THE GOOD AND BAD........


Here is a list of the good and bad of 2004..... no real order to it. Music, movies, events, feelings.... the whole shabang....

GOOD

Moving back to New York
"Shadowboxer" solo at the Chorus Cabaret
Getting off speed
Spending time with my Mother and Step Father
Reconnecting with my best friend Sarah
"Spider Man 2"
Nickel Creek with Jen
Meeting Nickel Creek
Scissor Sisters
Chris Thile's solo album
Outdoor sex at Vassar College
Getting my hair did by Meghan and Lanette
Hose fight with my nephew Jake
"Astonishing X-Men" comic
"Identity Crisis" Comic
Nickel Creek show with Sarah
Nickel Creek show with Dad
(Damn, it was a good Nickel Creek year!!)
Moving back to SF
Reconnecting with Josh
Getting to know Jessica and Ryan
Being with Padme again
"Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind"
Singing at the Mint
"Phantom Of The Opera"
"The Incredibles"
Reading Truman Capote
Regaining my self respect
"NIP/TUCK" (TV Show)
"Lost"
Late night calls to Jen when I was lonesome in NY

BAD

Getting evicted from my apartment (and all the bullshit that went along with that)
Hitting Rock Bottom
Moving back to NY
Detoxing off speed at my Mom's house
Losing my self respect
Having to support Kevin
"Birth"
"Alexander"
Losing my desire to draw after getting sober
BATMAN - "Wargames" storyline
The crappy Catwoman movie I didn't bother seeing
Working for Cellular One
Moving back to SF
Supporting Kevin
The fact that "The Gilmore Girls" is not as good as it was
Getting attacked by my dog Brooklyn
Lack of permanant employment
Living with Kevin
The fact that I still feel isolated from my world due to drugs (despite being sober)
Bjork's horrid new album

Ok...... give or take a few things and that's my list of Good and Bad, 2004.





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I'm fighting off a cold.

Had a restless nights sleep.

Was dreaming that Josh and I were trying to move a box of tennis balls up a hill and the box broke. We had to chase hundreds of balls down the street. It's an odd feeling to get frustrated in your sleep.

I'm feeling this sadness that I can't put my finger on. This whole natural disaster thing has me spooked. I saw footage of the Tsunami hitting a beach and there were all these people that just got washed away.... including children. The terror on the childs face will never be erased from my mind.... I find myself wondering if that little kid is alive.... I mean, the person with the video camera survived so, maybe.
Keep thinking that that could easily be us.
San Francisco.
9.0 quake would kill us all.

The world just seems a very sad, dark place the past 5 years.


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LONG LEGS AND DOG HAIR

All this rain has left puddles all over the street and sidewalk. As I walk down Spear Street I watch people haphazardly trying to navigate the street I'm suddenly overcome with a feeling that I've been blessed with long legs. I can step right over puddles with little to no effort. That makes me feel like a big (and tall) man!

Wearing a black shirt today. Made a point of putting it on right when I leave the house. Get to work and notice I am covered in dog hair. I am always covered in dog hair. If I didn't love Padme so much I'd be riled up over it.

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The Christmas weekend is over......

I took Kevin to see "Phantom Of The Opera" on Friday afternoon when I got out of work. WOW!!! It was everything I had wanted it to be. A total escape from reality that I found to be just what I needed...... romantic and sad and beautiful.
We followed that up with a trip to the Mint where I ended up spending almost a week's salary on booze..... only to spend Christmas day at a co-workers house where we drank 9 bottles of champaigne...... and then back to the Mint for a nitecap...... which led to me finding myself in the apartment of a total stranger (with Ben) drinking more and smoking hash.
Thats when the world went dark.
I woke up in Ben's bed way the hell out by SFU, some 10 hours later. My first thought was "Where the hell are my clothes?" followed quickly by "Damn, did I have sex?!?"

Sunday I went back to Kevin's and slept. Monday I was off work..... which was creepy. I'm not used to having more than one day off per week.... and then here I had four days off..... I started to feel unemployed again.

I spent yesterday in bed with drinkers remorse.... spent all my money and I'm once again feeling stressed out about Kevin's unemployment and my shakey standing at both of my jobs......

I tried to save $3o by trimming my own hair and I fucked it up really bad. I no longer have much hair on my head.

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MAKING BABY JESUS CRY

My mother emailed me - wanted to make sure I am going to do something fun/special on Christmas. I told her that I don't have any plans or any money to go do anything..... she advised me to find something to do and to spend a little money because not having a nice day on Christmas will make Baby Jesus cry.

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Three names you go by:
Eric
Geek (my sister's name for me)
Notherone Dad (my dog's name for me)

Three things you like about yourself:
My ability to sing
My Eyes
My sense of humor

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
My Greg Brady hair
My horrible teeth
My inability to deal with stress

Parts of your heritage:
Irish with a dash of German

Three things that scare you:
Death of my friends/family
Failure
Bugs

three of your everyday essentials:
Cigarettes
Music
Reading material

Three things you are wearing right now:
Glasses
Shoes
Pants..... but not underpants!

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Chris Thile
Rufus Wainwright
Scissor Sisters

Three of your favorite songs at present:
I'm nowhere and you're everything - Chris Thile
Crumb By Crumb -Rufus Wainwright
If I aint got you - Alicia Keys

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Going back to school
Writing another screenplay
Group Sex


Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Respect
Humor
Passion

Two truths and a lie:
I love tuna caserole
I enjoy the smell of gasoline
The theme from "Ice Castles" makes me cry

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you:
SAME SEX - Strong hands / arms
Smell of a man's neck
a pretty cock

Three things you just can't do:
Relax
Be vendictive
Eat seafood

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Comic Books
Singing
Collecting Star Wars Shit

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Smoke a joint
Get Laid
GET LAID

Three careers you're considering:
Massage therapist
Book Seller
Porn Star

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Space
Amsterdam (I miss Jason)
Disney Land

Three kids names:
Nathan
Brendan
Audrey

Three things you want to do before you die:
Feel totally, madly in love
See a movie I've written
Travel to every continent

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Today is the shortest day of the year.
That gives me a hard on.


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FALLING IN LOVE WITH STRANGERS

I have a really bad habit of falling in love with strangers. These affairs are brief and ( as far as I know ) one sided. They usually last no longer than the commute to work or the wait on line in Safeway, but they are real and they are bittersweet... and they happen a lot. Enough, in fact, that I have vowed to only fall in love with one stranger a day.

Maybe it's the fact that I am single and hopelessly unable to connect with people on an intimate level these days that leads to these crushes. I am desperate for some sort of something from another person. A smile, a "hello".... anything. I wander the streets of this city and feel totally disconnected to the world. I jocky a cash register all night and people seem to look through me..... until last night.

He was tall and skinny with blond hair cropped close. He wore a blue and red ski jacket with a matching backpack. I'd been standing there, making the most of my time at Borders by spacing out on the news ticker and almost didn't notice him come up to me.

With a hint of disinterest I said my obligatory "How are you?" without really looking up. He responded in a soft, sweet voice that he was fine. I took the book he was buying and looked at the cover before even bothering to look at him.

"ME" by Katherine Hepburn.

When I looked up at him I was almost knocked to my ass by a smile that could make the sun rise at midnight. I returned the smile and we held eye contact for a moment. I tried to think of something - anything - to say and a voice in the back of my head told me not to spoil the moment.

I gave him his change, the whole time smiling while basking in his smile.... I told him to have a good night and then, with a nod and that smile (GOD THAT SMILE!!!!) he walked out the door.

It's been over 12 hours and that smile is still flashing on the movie screen in my mind. I find myself wondering if I'll ever see him again.... I keep wondering if it was all in my head or if he felt the same flash of attraction ( OK, a coworker who witnessed the whole thing assured me that he was crushing on me ) . I'm tempted to Missed Connection him on Craigs List ...... but that just seems wrong in this case.

Bottom line..... that smile made me melt and fall in love with a stranger. Sure, it's going to fade - It always does.

But thank God for those moments.

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PETER CETERA SUCKS MY NOODLE

....... OK, here's the deal. Last night I go to work at Borders and when I got in the door I was swiftly ushered to the office.... now, being paranoid 90% of the time, I'm thinking that I'm getting fired for something. Oh no. Not at all.

Seems that Peter Cetera (of Chicago fame) was doing a preformance in store to promote his new Chrismas album. They needed us to set up the event. Mr.Cetera comes on like he's still at the hight of his fame..... Nobody can come within 10 feet of him, he will only sign his new CD, we need to be blasting his new CD over the soundsystem.

This chump just pissed me off. And his music sucks. I spent the whole night with that song he sang on the Karate Kid soundtrack in my head all night.....

I kept thinking "How can this guy be acting like such a star when he is promoting a Christmas album at Borders?!?!"

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Thinking about Sarah.
My Best Friend.

She called me the other day to let me know how much she loves me. She worries about me. It's as if she has a 6th sense as to my moods and needs. The conversation was brief, but she informed me that she's scared that I'm not in a good place. With the Kevin unemployment, working two jobs and having no money..... she is worried that I'm going to do something stupid (How did she know how I eyeball the bay bridge?!?!)....... her man, Zane, told her to let me know that he has a spare bedroom in his house that I am welcome to live in. They think I should go back to NY despite my dislike for the area..... because when it all comes down to it, I am a healthy, happier person there.

I don't know what to make of the offer. I think about it..... seriously. But I can't seem to let go of the hope that everything will turn out ok here.... despite the fact that I am in ruins. There is no money.... I haven't eaten in 2 days... the landlord is going to evict me.....

Sometimes....... sometimes I want to give up. But Superheros never give up!

Still watching Buffy DVDs.
Reading Truman Capote books.
Listening to Chris Thile.
Wishing it'd just turn around.
Losing hope.

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YOUR PARTING GIFT IS............... MEXICAN FOOD!!!!!!!


Ok, fine! I am bitter.
Ok, fine! I am petty.

Today all us holiday temps got a mexican lunch!

"Sorry, we can't offer you a real job, but how about a taco?"

GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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BUFFY, PADME and ERIC

Last night was one of my nights off.... the calm before the storm of double shifts. I decided against going to the Mint, mostly because I am broke, but also because I am getting rather sick of drinking alone and singing Karaoke.

The problem that ensues when I decide to stay home is being in close quarters with Kevin. Doesn't matter how hard I try, the mofo just pisses me off.... He sold a bunch of my comic books over the summer (BASTARD!) and every few weeks I go looking for a book I should have and it's gone.... then I get mad and he gets defensive. Totally uncalled for defense, considering he took it upon himself to sell my comics - MY COMICS - thinking it's no big deal.

So he goes and hides in the bedroom because I'm mad.

Padme and I curled up on the couch and watched 5 episodes of Buffy (season 2). She is quickly becoming by sole reason for being alive...... Padme, not Buffy.

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SLEEP TO DREAM

I had nothing to do with my time off this week... so I slept. Got up around noon and called around to see if anyone wanted to come out and play.... but nobody did so me and Padme went to the park to look for Hank the dog and Tim. We have crushes on them but, alas, they weren't at the park.....
The park was muddy as fuck but Padme and I had a ball, sloshing around and getting muddy. People were looking at me like I was nuts, but I couldn't care less. Me and my girl were having a great time.
Spending time with Padme has become the only oasis I've had from the stress I'm dealing with. She helps put me in check and allows me to release all the bullshit. After we played I took her to the comic book shop to get this weeks books..... Now, comics come out on Wed. so by sunday I am pushing my luck on getting all the titles I collect..... and as fate would have it, the Fantastic Four/X-Men crossover I've been waiting for was sold out on Haight Street so me and Padme went back through the mission to another shop near Deloris Park. I got all my books and then we went back to the park for another romp (Still no Hank and Tim)..... I sat on a spot of dryish grass and Padme curled up with me while I read my comics....... I honestly think that this dog is the only creature in the world that truely has love for me. She doesn't shy away because I brood, or because I am having a hard time making it in the world. She just loves me. I couldn't even get my best friends to call me back this weekend but Padme...... she just loves me.

That makes me happy.
That's the kinda love I need.





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People can be fucking rude!

I'm working at a customer service call center.... something I've been doing for quite a few years now after deciding to flee the world of retail managment after Blockbuster almost made me go loopy......
Today I have been yelled at by 3 different people - and I'm trying to help them!!! What is wrong with the world when people think it's acceptable to call into a company and cuss out someone while at the same time trying to get an issue worked out.

NO! I DON"T WANNA HELP YOU!
GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER!!!

This guy's phone was all static laden and he tells me he's sorry..... I tell him not to worry as I'm used to speaking to people who are on cell phones and in comparison I can hear him fine...... he then states.....

" I don't wanna make fucking small talk with you, just take my credit card information so I can get off this goddamn phone."





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WHERE IS THE WORLD?!?!

It's a strange day out there....

I just went outside for a smoke and it's like the Bay Bridge is gone. The fog outside is so thick and low. Normally I am almost right under the bridge when outside the office but today it's like there is nothing there..... which is a little trippy and a lot San Francisco.

The fog mirrors my state of mind.... and that is somehow comforting. I sat outside and listened to some music as I toss around ideas and solutions for the problems that are getting me down..... and I hate to say it.... but I am no longer positive that I want to be in San Francisco anymore. I love this city with all my heart but I am beginning to doubt that it's ready to love me back at the moment. I've been working my ass off and I'm not getting anywhere..... I am so lonesome that it makes my heart ache.... I just want to be held (gay as that sounds) I want to feel safe.... I want this fog to lift and allow me to see the path I should be on.

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"HE'S CONVINCED HE COULD HOLD BACK A GLACIER"



Reality.... an evil bitch of a thing.

I passed out at work last night. I was standing at the cash reg. and suddenly I was on the floor. It was not fun.... though for some people it might have been funny to see. I don't know..... it's just the stress of working two jobs and knowing that nothing I can do at this point is going to keep us from getting evicted from the only place I have to live. I simply can't do any more than I'm doing and it's not good enough.

I feel like I'm trying to plug holes in a damn - when I'm really at the point where I wanna just let the whole thing burst and flood this life away.

I don't know how long I can keep this up.

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"Crumb By Crumb" - Rufus Wainwright

Maybe in you I'll believe
Maybe I'll believe in you
The future of my understanding of love

Many a time I've before
Before I've many a time
Knocked a stranger's door
Discretion hardly I'm known for

Probably has nothing to,
nothing at all in the world to do with you
Just your lower lip on the floor

But baby I gotta get through
Crumb by crumb in this big black forest
Maybe in you I'll believe
Maybe I'll believe in you

Suddenly I'm not myself
Behind the facade is a lonely fountain, here
Suddenly you are the one
Who opens the gates to this unruly garden
Come and let this man go

'Cause baby I got to get through
Crumb by crumb in this big black forest
Maybe in you I'll believe
Maybe I'll believe in you

Suddenly you're not yourself
Behind the facade is a lonely angel, still
Suddenly I am the one who opens the gates to this now gloomy garden
Come and let this man go

crumb by crumb in this big black forest
You I'll believe,
crumb by crumb in this big black forest
You I'll believe,
crumb by crumb in this big black forest

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Today has not been going my way.
I was woken up from a really nice dream ( though I can't remember what was nice about it) by Padme standing on me, shaking like a leaf. I guess the storm had knocked something over outside the window and it tripped her out. So, I pull her under the covers with me and think that I am going to drift right back to sleep...... but I don't. I just laid there listening to Padme snore ( cute little doggy snore )... knowing that in no time at all it'd be time to get my ass out of bed and pull a double job day.

I am then running late and didn't have time to get a coffee.... I bolt into the Castro Muni station....(but I don't run, because nobody should run for Muni.... it just looks doofy....... ) and as I'm getting on the train I fail to notice the door closing... so it closed on me, knocking me backwards and pinning me. NOW - I always assumed that those doors were like elevator doors.... I thought they just sprang back open. Let me tell you something....... they don't.
I looked like a total asshole because I was in my own little world - listening to Chris Thile - and WHAM! suddenly I am pinned in the door!! Not only that but as I snap out of my daze I realize that I am flailing my arms like a fool.

I got bright red and tried to make myself look small, but I couldn't. There were at least 10 people smirking at me...... so at least I made some other people smile. Hows that for looking on the bright side of things??

I am totally tired today and I am thinking about calling out sick from Borders..... but I probably won't.

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LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD...

I've been learning a few hard lessons these past few weeks.

You can't change other people. You can't resort to threats, ultimatums or even pleas. It won't help get anything done and the more you try the more negative energy you burn. Sometimes you just gotta know when to give up and ride it out. This is how I am feeling about the Kevin situation. He is doing very little to keep the apartment clean..... well, that's not true..... when I cried he did manage to clean the grime and nasty crap up.... but getting him to remove the clutter would be like getting me to kill a kitten. Just something that'll never happen......

It really became clear to me when Josh and Ryan came over that it does piss me off.... they looked around and I was clearly aware of the pity they felt for me. The place is dark and cluttered. It's totally un-condusive to comfortable living...... BUT, I have been making myself sick trying to get Kevin to change and it's not going to help so I have to learn to let it go.....

I met up with Josh and Ryan at the park yesterday so that they could play with Padme.... Padme and I met a dog named Hank who was very handsome. Padme liked him. I liked his owner, Tim. Tim was sexy as hell (in my book) and seemed to be slightly flirty with me. Josh seconded this.... but before I could ask him out I learn of his ex-girlfriend.

OUCH!

It's rare that I engage in talk with a hot guy as easily as I did yesterday and I got shot down. It kinda stung - mainly because my sexual M.O. has changed in light of my sober lifestyle. I no longer fear an emotional connection. I want to have a date, I wanna talk.... then I wanna shag. I used to be able to get laid like that (SNAP) but now all the rules are changed.

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Waiting for a firedrill at work..... Supposedly there is going to be a loud alarm and strobe lights..... sounds like a rave! That reminds me of the days I was bold enough to go out in public wearing a Mickey Mouse Club hat...(yeah, the kind with ears).

I have been working two jobs all week in an attempt to keep myself, Padme and Kevin from being hungry and homeless..... the phrase "Burning the candle at both ends" never had such meaning. Even in my days of drug abuse I never worked this much.... I get up at 7am... out of the house by 8am and not home until around 11pm. I shower and get in bed and do the same thing the next day. Needless to say I am testy and slightly bitter. I've realized that the best thing for me to do is just keep my head down and not talk to anyone directly during the week. I am just feeling slightly bitter about having to float the boat - considering how long it's been that I've been doing it.

Working.................. Damn, how I wish I had made different choices.

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