Ok, Last weeks brief venture into the land of Whoreville was all leading up to something.
What? What was it leading up to??
My enterance into the sexy world of nude modeling.
I've been chasing any lead on something to do to make some money and I came upon the ad on Craigslist.... NUDE MALE MODELS NEEDED. So, I thought..."I'm nude when I am not wearing clothes!! I'm a male!! And I look pretty good naked!" So one thing led to another and soon everyone will be seeing my naked body in a magazine....
The whole experence seemed to be alien at first. I left my house to go to the guys loft.... being one who is prone to strange shit happening I am envisioning the final scene in Boogie Nights.... half ready to have a tweaked out old perv greet me. James turns out to be the same age as me. We talked for a bit, he showed me his work and I was impressed. Within a few minutes of showing off my tattoos I was naked and being shot.
I guess I am more narsasistic than I believed because I had no issue in the slightest sense to being so exposed.
Next week we will be doing another test shoot and then brainstorming on ideas for the 3 actual shoots.
I am thinking I'd like to include my dog in some shots. Like me and her in the tub or something.
Maybe me reading the bible by a fireplace while naked, looking shocked to be cought in such a state.
HEHEHEHEHEHE

Speaking of giggles.................
It is the middle of the night and I am wired on stress and peanut butter cups...... watching "The Sound Of Muisic" because it's like being hugged by my Mom......... suddenly I drop the DVD remote and a button is hit - the film changed into the French audio track and by god there is nothing cooler than "DO RE MI" in french. Can't stop grinning.
If you have the chance, do it!! It'll make your day!!!

Nakedly yours,
Eric

I am a slut.
Last week I shagged 5 people.
I can't find a job but damned if I will sit around being lazy!

Where to begin........?

FIRST - because the pieces all just fell into place..... I haven't heard from Sebastian since he left. I have a faint memory of his being on my computer before he left. Could it be he broke into my BLOG and read what I wrote as he slept? Chances are this is why he's been ignoring me.... though I only emailed twice and both said the same thing.
Here we have a sweet, handsome, smart guy.... who I do like. Very much. More than I should right now..... and I know I'm poison to a person like him. If he and I were in a relationship I know I would chip away at him and break him down.... I know I would sleep around.... I know I would build up resentment that he could care for me and resent feeling responsible for his feelings. The damn fact that I know this makes me feel worse about it. Here.... it's like this moment from Strangers With Candy....

(Jerri hooked up to a lie detector with a red lightbulb for lie and green for truth)

MR.NOBLETT - Jerri, if you could be one animal what would you be?

(Jerri covers the red light)

JERRI - Kitten (red light is visable) .........snake.

I am not proud of myself for knowing that what I am. I just know.
So I feel really badly for being rude and I feel bad for not asking him to go home and I feel REALLY bad that he feels bad..... But I am not able or willing to pretend I'm in a good mood when I am not.

The story becomes clearer when you least expect it......The dots all connected in one fell swoop. And so now lets look at

1/13/2004 THE BOYS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING

I am a loving guy. I love my friends, I love dogs, I love good movies, I love Fiona Apple, I love the smell of laundymats. Nobody can accuse me of holding back in the love department. But nothing is like the love I have had for a small elite group.
I have loved six men so deeply that I would die for them. Each different from the other. Each changed me in our time.
WYATT, TIM, KEVIN, SCOTT, JOSH, JASON.
The love I feel for each of them is everlasting and pure with a shot of poison to boot.
So along rolls 1/13/04. A day in which I had to say goodbye to three of them.

Wyatt was killed 1/13/02. He was crossing the street and was hit by a drunk driver. He died alone. He died in pain. He died without me there to hold his hand and kiss him goodbye. It has been two years and I swear that my soul still cries for him. I really believe I would have hung myself in the garage of my mom's house by the age of 18 had it not been for Wyatt. He came to my rescue. There was no way for me to return the favor. I think of him everyday at least 100 times. He is my soul brother and he is gone. I am never going to be whole again.

Jason came along late in the summer of 2003. He charmed me. He calmed the beast that rampages in my mind. The day I was going to confess all this and more to him was the day he announced that he was moving to Holland. My heart broke - yet I remained calm and made excuses for myself when the cracks in my emotional walls began to show.......... I was skeptical when I learned he would be coming back to San Francisco for a week in January.... but he did indeed come back for a week. We spent some time together and once again I was blanketed in warm calm. He slept in my bed a few nights - one night I woke and rubbed his back as he slept.... love at my fingertips. I would live in that moment forever. And in a repeat of October 10th, it was January 13th 2004 that he once again left me with fleeting memorys of how life could have been had life been kind.

January 13th 2003 would have gone down in history as a day that tested the limits of my heart with these two events..... but things come in 3s and so Josh left for New Orleans. Fresh tears flow as I type this out..... Josh is a boy I love in a way that is more precious than any of my loves. Josh and I see the world through the same tinted sunglasses. Josh is someone who made me feel sane during the insane moments because I know he is feeling things on the same level. I wanted to shower him with love and keep his heart safe. Maybe I fell in love with Josh over a drunken night at the Mint..... more likely I just loved the ease of our interaction. But he pulled away from that - I think because he assumed my affection was sexual or something..... But he is gone and before he left he ignored me .... and here I am soaking in quiet tears..... because yet another man I love has walked off the stage ................ on 1/13/04

How many times can a person get back up after an emotional beating?
What man would allow himself to be placed in the path of such pain and anguish?
Can you see now why I am the way I am?
Can someone please tell me what to do to keep my soul from turning to stone?
EROCKSKYWALKER@YAHOO.COM

There is someone sleeping in my bed.
I've been seeing this one for about a month.... doing my best to keep an emotional distance. I don't want anything. Hell, at this point I don't care if I ever see him again. Now I have to go about putting the ending into motion.
What it really going on is that I now realize that I just want to be alone.
I feel put out by having someone asleep in my bed when I just want to take a nap and not feel someone's feet pressed on my leg. I don't think I have the energy to make myself give a shit about how he might feel. I don't want to have any responsibility for anyone else's emotions.
I want to be left alone.

Things are so fucked up. I feel like a madman because the past week has been a strange mix of good and bad. I have not had any luck finding a job and I have begun to feel like a failure. Partly because I am not in a good headspace - which is making doing anything a chore - partly because I know that I am to blame for it. I have problems I don't even want to admit to. The weakness I have shown is counteracting everything I have done that made me proud of myself. The level of self loathing brewing is alarming. I don't see a hot, witty, charming guy in the mirror. I see a scared, weak fool who is too freaked out to retake control of himself.
Then Jason shows up and the old feelings come back. The feeling of calm he allows me to feel. He slept here last night and I pressed up close to him and fell into sleep so peacefully, the last thought wasn't a negative insult or anxious nagging..... it was "this is nice." It's been too long since I have felt that. I'd bet I had a hint of a smile as I slept.
I think that is one of the reasons I have been unable to divorce myself from meth..... the dreadful images and thoughts that plague my mind when it's not focused on something. Sleep can be one of the most horrible times for me. And I have thoughts that are like weeds..... they take root and spread into waking hours.... making me that much more unhappy and disgusted with myself.]