The past week was pretty uneventful.
Spent a few too many hours fucking the sleep prince.
Disovered the joy of bringing a blanket to the park and spending hours playing and napping with Padme.

I am really feeling like I am out of gas.
Something has to happen, I know this.

Desperation.
Change.
Needs.

Looking for sex via the internet is a lame way to go about it, but in many ways its like shopping..... I have not gotten anywhere this way though and I'm really in the mood for some sex. How a foxy boy such as myself can't find sex while living in the castro is beyond me. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe that's best.

Feeling desperate in so many ways right now - sex is just one aspect of it. Reaching out and trying to grab something - anything - just to reassure myself that I can still recieve and not just give, give, give.

There is a chance I will be going to the mountains of New Mexico to a Sanctuary for a month or two. It's remote, some 80 miles from the closest town..... full of queer hippies. The chance to remove myself from all the noise and chaos and regroup would be such a sweet chance. I am too sleepy to get too into the whole story.

Sometimes you just have to pick something up and look at it from different angles. Beauty becomes ugly, horrible becomes wonderful. Sometimes you hold something in your hand that you never realized would kill you or make you rich.... y'know?

Living with Kevin is hellish. The saving grace is that I am once again with Padme (the best dog gone dog ever!). Kevin has no ability to think beyond himself. Selfish, emotionally maimed, prone to being lazy, one track minded and just plain unable to adapt to my being here.
I thought I could make this work. I have tried so hard to be calm and to respect that this has been his home for 2 years without me. BUT - there is only so many times I can bust my ass cleaning his shit up while he sits on his getting-fatter-every-day ass!!!!! I have been very direct with him that speed is killing me and he shrugs and ignores me. And that says it all.
No dog is worth this.
I think it's really time to go.
Just go.

But then I find myself completely cought off balance by the way Jen has stepped in and been there for me. It seemed to me like we were drifting due to the bullshit we're both going through.... but she has been there for me, no questions asked. Nickel Creek... Kill Bill.... Banking..... talks about comic books....... I really am at a loss for words to describe what this has ment to me.

FUCK!!! I got to go.
Later Believers.

TAXES TAXES!!
So as if the world isn't squeezing the life out of me now Uncle Sam wants another 600 bucks. Damn dildo of a country!! I have never owed before so I have to wonder how these Bush inspired tax cuts are helping..... oh I forgot.... they help the rich get richer!!

So I am in one of the worst depressions of my life. I feel trapped in a funk that I allowed to grow to an unmanagable point.
I miss being the funny bastard that y'all loved so much and the lack of contact from friends just confirms the fact that I am not the only one who misses that. But I wonder why when I am at my most needy people seem to turn away.... phone calls and emails unanswered only makes it harder......

But I met Nickel Creek!! They put on a hell of a show that Jen and I were right up front for. They played for over 2 1/2 hours. Simply amazing stuff!! I can honestly say that I had not a care in the world as they jammed.... I missed Josh like you wouldn't believe though..... but it was a treat to see/hear them do a full set. The opening act (MINDY SMITH) was such a gift from the musical gods. She is a sweet 'lil singer/songwriter who won me over before the first song had ended..... and she made me love her by covering "Jolene" by Miss Dolly! Again, I missed Josh.

After the show I jumped on stage and snagged the playlist in a move so slick that the people around me didn't even see me do it!! MA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I waited by the bus for the band and got Sara and Chris's autograph.... unfortunately Sean was gone before I could get him to sign it. HOWEVER.... Chris came up to me and was all "Hey Man, I saw you right there in the front! Did you have a good time?"
I was floored and to be honest I wanted to make out with him right there on the street. Quite a cutie.

So, True Believers.... life is not all bad, nor is it going to be an easy road back to good. I guess it's one of those day by day gags that I just have to deal with. Any help would be hot. Let me know you love me. Fill me up a little because I am running on fumes.

Long time no posts.
I'm not sure how to begin so let me just start of by reassuring anyone who might read this that I am, in fact, not dead yet.... just mildly suicidal and unconcerned with how that makes me look.
I am homeless - currently living with Kevin and Padme in their tiny one bedroom apartment. The place is a dump and kevin is a slob.... but it beats living on the streets so I guess I should be happy. The final days at 432 Eureka were hellish. Cheryl pitted me and Jess against one another with subtle manipulations..... then I begin unpacking my things at Kevins and realize that Cheryl and her man took almost anything of value I owned. So much stuff is gone and I have not yet begun to deal with how that has made me feel.
Kevin just sits on his ass and watches me clean his house, rearrange things to make room for mine... that has been quite offensive considering I have to ask my mother for money to pay the next month's rent..... but why invite another conflict? I just suck it up and deal.
And that is really the story of my life.
Sucking it up and dealing.

My mother tells me "I couldn't do what you do." meaning getting up every day to such a desolate landscape.... and I know she means that as a complement of my strength.... but that and a buck twenty five will get me on the bus.
So.... this may be the end of it, because I don't know if I wanna keep on keeping on.
Might be time to fade into shadow.

If not shadows.... the sun better shine soon.