Been a pretty rough week.
Today is my last day of work and I have a fever. My head and body are begging for rest but I have to keep plugging away. Sadness isn't helping me.....

Why is it that after working so hard to clean up I am losing everyone I care about? The friends I love are the reason I chose to fight my addiction and be a better man..... yet they hold me at arms length. Is it not enough to just be a good person? To be a kind person? To be there for my friends when they need me??? What have I done wrong??

I've noticed that people aren't flocking to be near me....... and I guess Jen and I are going to have a talk about it tomorrow. Part of me wants to just forget it...... I don't know if I can stand the pain of losing more people, much less have to listen to the reasons why I suck. Part of me wants to just flee and never look back.

Part of me doesn't want her or anyone else to know how badly it hurts to be sober and suddenly unsure how to interact with people. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

What makes this hard is that I know that I am a flawed guy. I know that I harbor a lot of sadness and anger that I bottle up..... but I do my best to make my friends happy.... I try, every day, to be a good man. I don't get this........... I don't understand why my relationships are all falling apart!

Why is it that when you need love and compassion they fly out the window?

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I checked my email yesterday and learned that my friend Chris had died of a drug overdose. He had been in jail for the past 6 months.... he got out last week.... it only took him about 7 days to kill himself.

The horrible thing about speed is that you're never 100% free from the addiction. It's always there in the shadows, ready to pounce. Ready to destroy.

Chris was sober while in jail. He probably thought his body could still handle the drugs in the quantity he was using them in before. They couldn't. He died of heart failure on Thursday morning.

I met Chris one night while walking to score some drugs. He was a beautiful young man.... funny, smart and sweet. We had a brief love affair..... but his love of drugs was greater than mine and when he realized I wanted off the merry-go-round, he moved on to other friends..... we kept in touch until he went to jail.....

He resurfaced the night before he died.... emailing me..... telling me he was safe and happy. I had hope in my heart that he truly was. He died a sad, horrible death. I can only hope in my heart now that he is at peace.

This news has grounded me. Made me realize how lucky I am to be alive. How many times did I have heart palpatations while getting high? How many times did I black out from being up for 3 days..... how close to dead was I?

I had to call my mother yesterday and tell her how sorry I am that I put her at risk of having to bury her son. I reached out to my friends..... they aren't reaching back. But it's all ok. I've got my shit on track now..... sad that someone had to die to make me realize........
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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, BABIES!!
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!


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Why Can't It Be A Repressed Memory?

I was in 6th grade at St.Columba Catholic School.

There was no playground for the students. Just a huge parking lot. They forced us to go outside after lunch regardless of the temprature.... this ment there were around 60 kids milling around with nothing to do for 30 minutes every afternoon with very little supervision.

I was never popular. I was an outcast. Part of this was my fault.... I was a spaced out kid, prone to saying weird things and also socially uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Lots of times I just said dumb shit that made people mad.

So, when forced outside onto the parking lot, I spent my time wandering alone.... daydreaming, watching people and trying to avoid getting abused by my peers.

One day in late February I was alone, counting how many steps I was taking as I wandered. I was lost in my own head and not aware of what was going on around me or what was coming.

Shadows appeared in front of me. A massive row of shadows.
I looked up and saw close to 10 girls forming a tight circle around me. My first thought was that I was going to be mocked or pranked. Nothing could have prepaired me for what was to come.

Kerin Frayole, a Puerto Rican girl who was widely know as the nastiest of the popular girls was leading the pack. Without a word she came at me in a rage and smacked my face with such force it sent my glasses flying from my face.

She began screaming at me.... apparently someone had told them that I accused Liz (last name escapes me) of being a bitch because she had her period. I don't recall the initial verbal assault because I was still reeling from the smack, trying to locate my glasses on the pavement.

I bent over to grab my glasses and, looking up I noticed that the first wave of this incident had drawn more people to the scene. Like, the entire 6th grade.

As soon as I got my glasses back on the girl came forward and smacked them off my face again. I raised my hand to attack back and felt my arm grabbed by the science teacher. He was outraged that I had just attempted to hit a girl. I told him that she had twice smashed my face. He didn't care.

By this point, I was being laughed at, pointed at and jeered by my entire grade.
I looked around for a friendly face and saw none. Even the teacher had joined in the crowd, listening to the girls accuse me of having started ugly rumors.

Time seemed to slow. I felt tears of rage and humiliation pour down my cheeks.... which brought a fresh wave of mockery from the crowd.

"I never..... said..... that!" I choked.... immediately I heard my words being mocked by my classmates......

I was told to go back inside.

Once in the empty classroom I allowed myself to cry it out. I felt shocked, abused and lower than I'd ever felt. Never before had I been ganged up on like that. Never in my life did I imagine how cruel people could and would be.

My teacher came into the classroom with a smug smile on her face.

"Why are you crying?" She asked.

I told her what had happened.... my side of it. The fact that I had not made these remarks and how I'd been hit in the face.... how the other teacher had seen it and not repremanded the girl who hit me..... How I felt that I was completely alone..... that I felt hated.

"Maybe the other kids hate you for a reason." She sneered. "Go to the bathroom and wash your face." ..............................

This happened almost 17 years ago. I was 12. Long periods of time go by when I forget this memory.... but it comes back every so often and I feel so sad
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Friday night I was invited to a party by my friend Michael. I was only going to know him.... so I debated the pros and cons of going to the party.... but I needed some fun so I went. Rene was there.....
He was polite when I arrived but very "arms length".... I gave him space. After a drink and a few bowls, I sat beside him.
" I really miss you" I tell him.
He thanks me.....
"Can we hang out sometime soon, just you and me?"
He looks me in the eyes and says "I don't think so."
Exit Rene.

Saturday I had the 3 years of Padme get together in the park. I didn't know Josh and Ryan were coming so I didn't advise that Jen and Jess were running late..... They showed up at Noon..... and nobody was there....(Eric's first mistake of the day) so now I feel like an asshole for not calling them to make sure they weren't coming.....

Second Mistake..... Ben thought it was sunday so he was a day late..... he sat in the park for almost 2 hours alone.

Third Mistake.... Padme freaked out when I opened the bottle of champaigne.... she wouldn't come near me and almost took off in front of an oncoming J church. She then avoided me for the rest of the afternoon.....

It broke my heart.

Things ain't been goin' my way, kiddos! I wanna get off this merry-go-round cuz it's making me sick to my tummy.




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The feeling that I'm on a roller coaster has me unsettled. It's been well over a year since I last rode an actual coaster. This..... This is some emotional, psychological malfunction. There is a feeling that creeps around the edge of my consciousness which is making me feel something akin to the feeling I'd have if I lost my wallet.
Anxiety for anxiety's sake?

Then I think of Scott. www.crazydumbsaint.com
The love of my life.
The one that got away.
I cry for Scott.
He is a whisper I keep all to myself. Allowing myself to cry over him in the dark times. Pretend he is beside me in the light. My friends know little to nothing about Scott. A secret pain I don't want anyone to know I have.... or hold.
The older I get... the more time that passes.... the more I realize who this boy was, why he was, and why he will never be. He is the reason nobody will ever be good enough to be anything more than a fuckbuddy.

My life doesn't seem to be the fit it once was. Like someone has been walking around in my shoes and changed the way they fit.


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So, last night at the Mint....

This Japanise girl comes in, decked out in a pink winter coat and Hello Kitty backpack..... she was plastered when she walked in the door.... couldn't hardly keep her head up...... She looks through the book and gets really excited, yelling out to nobody in particular (with a thick accent).... "They have My favorite band! Guns and Roses!!"............

She slurrs her way through "Sweet Child of Mine" and goes back to her chair and passes out, almost falling onto the floor. So, after about an hour of her dropping into micro-passouts Ben goes over to her and takes her beer away, gave her back her money and told her he could get her some coffee but that was all.

She flips out!

"I wasn't asleep asshole! I was listening to Guns and Roses on my headphones because I hate this music!"

Around 7pm, Jane, one of the nicest bartenders ever comes in to take over for Ben and she is having none of it. She offers the girl a cup of coffee...

"I don't want any G'damn coffee BITCH!!" at which point Ben comes OVER the bar and takes her by the shoulders and pushes her out the door.....

"DON"T STEP ON MY SHOELACE, FAGGOT!!" She screams.

"I'm Calling the cops if you don't get the fuck out NOW!" Ben yells back.

They go back and forth for a few minutes, Ben telling her to leave, the girl keeps coming back for more, at one point telling Ben to hit her.... But Ben just kept trying to close the door and have the whole scene end. Finally Ben did actually get on the phone with the cops to report a drunk and disorderly patron.... when he did this and she realized the game was over she jumps back inside the bar.......

"Fine, I don't wanna stay in this faggot bar anyway! I'm going down to Valencia where they play lots of GUNS AND ROSES!"

She gives everyone in the bar the finger and runs down the street.

God, I love this town!!!

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AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?!?!?!

My job got one of those big hearts that were all over the city.... "I left my heart in San Francisco"..... the ones artists created.
This one is the one that kinda looks like a big heart shaped disco ball.....

It's been in the office for a few weeks.

I noticed there is a huge bird shit smear on it.
I pointed it out to my boss, who laughed....

That was 2 weeks ago.

The shit is still there.

Poop.
Doody.
Nasty.

Why doesn't anyone care?


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CIRCLES AND CYCLES

I was walking from one of my work sites to the other this morning and my headphones crapped out on me. Normally I can go into a zone with my music... move around the city in a daze, not really thinking anything too deep. Just another body travelling from point A to B.... It's kinda like running on autopilot.

Without the headphones I got to thinking...... about friends, both current and past. Thinking about how we form these little support groups of like minded folks who mean so much to us. The talks, the adventures.... it all seems so ment to be..... until it breaks. And they always seem to break, don't they?

I thought about this group I was connected to for about 2 months, back when I was about 20.... They were fucking wild.... we blew lines of coke off eachother's bellys. We staged a Bed-in... pushing 2 king sized beds together and watching Lifetime made for TV movies for 2 days, drinking and smoking....

I thought about the Highschool group....(which is always the one you think will last forever thanks to the ending of "Grease") and how when we randomly bump into one another it's as alkward as showing a stranger a back pimple.

These days I don't really feel like I am part of a group like that. I feel very much a fringe member of my group. I am included in some outings... but it's not like the old times.... when I had friends that called me everyday.... or that I called.

It's not that I don't feel loved. I totally believe Jen and Josh love me and I believe that Ryan and Jessica consider me a good guy, if not friend.....

Sometimes I think it's me.... not wanting to get too close..... fearful of the hurt that will come when I get the fade..... other times I think that it's that I just don't fit in..... that I don't bring to the table what I think that I do..... I hate that I feel B-List.

It's odd though.... and it fits with my last post. Maybe I'm just too old for this shit. Maybe, like my parents, I am moving into that section of life where friendships take a backseat to............... just getting yourself through the day.

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Fighting off another cold.
Actually, I think I've stopped fighting and I'm getting attacked now by germs.
It's got me feeling like I'm walking underwater.... slightly disconnected.

I have been thinking about the future. My life.
I feel myself getting older. In the past 3 weeks I have noticed my hair is turning silver at an alarming rate. It's more silver than black to my eyes now. It betrays how I feel inside. The fact that I have packed far too much living into my 29 years. My heart, my soul and my body feel closer to 40.

Lately I've found myself thinking...."Huh. So, this is it?" This is life. It's never going to get much better than it is now..... and this is something I can't even find the energy to be depressed about. It's more of an acceptance.... Those big dreams... being a fucking actor... rock star... Someone.... They're gone. Really gone. In their place is the acceptance of the fact that I am always going to be a slave to the grind... 9-5 baby.... clockwatching my life away.

Somehow I am getting old, man.
Fuck.

I no longer look for or aspire to finding a love that will sweep me off my feet. It's not going to happen... and if it did, I'd land on my ass from being swept off my feet, crack my head on the floor and pass out.... and in a crowded resteraunt or something.

Could it be that the best has passed and all I can aspire to is status quo??
Will I consider it a good day, week or year because nothing rocked the boat too hard?

And why..... Why, oh Why aren't I depressed over this?


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