Sometimes.... I don't always like being alive.... not a suicidal statement.... just a fact

I feel beaten down by life. I feel like everytime I get back up I am kicked back to the ground. I don't want to be defeatist here, but I wonder how many times I can get back up. The past year or so it has been one thing after another.....BAM, BAM, BAM! The small bits of goodness that I get go so fast..... What I need is something good to happen that is BIG GOOD.... as big in scale as this Identity theft / federal agents disaster.

Friday I was put on final warning at my job - they said it was an issue of being late.... but they are saying that if I am supposed to be there at 6:30am that that time is when I should be all settled in with my computer on and all that. I get there at 6:30 and am ready within 5 minutes..... they are using that as grounds for saying that if I am so much as a minute past start time without being 100% set I am fired. Calling in sick will also mean I lose the job.
Sure, I can crack down on myself and deal with it like that..... what I am go bent about is the stress this gives me and the glib "too bad" attitude of my bosses. This is a game to see how long I can make it or how much shit I'll take. They should have just fired me.
I went to a chorus retreat all day Saturday which was ok.
Slept through Josh's dinner.
Can't sleep.
Feel isolated.
I don't want it to be like this.
I am not a miserable bitter person
I have love .....

love love love
Theres nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing

Today I got an email from Jason. That made me happy. I miss him. I felt ready to fall face first in love with the boy before he left and in the time that he has been gone I have tried to make sense of all that...... I'm never going to be someone who can just bounce from boy to boy..... Ugh. I just need to hang on until he decides to stay there or not. If he comes back and will have me I really want to be his man.
I ordered a book from amazon of Alex Ross artwork months ago.... so long ago that I almost forgot about it..... and it shipped today! YAY! Alex Ross is an amazing artist who does paintings of comic book heros..... check him out http://www.alexrossart.com/

Two super cool things in one morning. Work still sucks my sweet ass but these little things have made me smile despite the shitty job.

I woke up today and the first thing I thought of was my pal Josh. Maybe because Liz Phair had been playing all night while I slept.... I don't know. I really love me some Josh - we did the enningram (spelling?) compatability quiz.... 90%. That kinda blew my mind..... I don't think I'm that compatable with anyone. There are times when I feel like he and I take eachother at arms length and that may be a reason. Being so alike we're likely aware of the other's darker sides or something..... or worried the other knows our motivations better than we'd like. We don't hang as much as we were hanging.... he's moving to New Orleans soon so I'm sure that and my recent depression is the cause. I've considered joining him in the Big Easy but right now my life needs to get back on track before such a major change.... But I really dig this cat. He's a lil' firecracker and I'd marry him Josh.

Kevin and Padme came over for "The Gilmore Girls" last night. I wanted to be alone (as usual lately) but then thought Padme cuddles and the Gilmore Girls would make me smile. Kevin (my ex and the killer of joy ) chose to hand me a letter about 10 minutes into the show.... from the county of LA..... there is a state wide warrent out for my arrest.
Last Feb I made a mistake and my wallet was stolen. Identity theft ensued. These fags opened PO boxes in a few places and mailed Meth and GHB back and forth ( on paper it looks like me mailing myself drugs).... This has led to a full on investigation by the federal DEA and FBI. Phone tap, agent following me, trash being sifted through..... (hehehe - wonder how they've liked seeing Kill Bill 3 times in a week)..... Seems that someone got busted in LA using my ID and though I thought the agents had helped clear it up it is still fucked.... I could Jwalk today and end up being arrested and driven to LA.
Something good has to happen. I am a really sweet, good guy. I love my pals, I don't treat strangers badly, I respect the higher powers (whatever that is ). I'm becoming really desperate for something good.
Can you help me? Would you help me if you could??

TIME TO TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN..... A LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY!!!

Superhero Cartoons
Star Wars
The Simpsons
Dogs
Watching the sunrise
Good music
Ice Cream
Having a cock to suck
Naps
Catching the bus right when it comes
Smoking a fat joint
Disco music
roller coasters
running in the rain
love
Citrus fruit
karaoke singing
hot showers
watching it snow
Mud fights
Quittin' time
comic books
Beyonce
the smell of clothes in the dryer
Telling someone to Fuck Off when they have it coming

Overspent. Very broke. In trouble broke.
Just keeps getting worse and worse.
Sometimes I wonder what it's going to be that makes me snap.
I feel like I have one foot in the psych ward at this point and I say that in all seriousness.

Monday morning at work...... Downtown San Francisco, 24th floor. Absolute madness.

My job is something I try not to think about once I go home at 3pm. What I do is work for a managed care insurance company, in the mental health side. I take calls from people who don't know who to talk to or who have been bounced around in the phone system...... mind you, these are people who are in mental distress to begin with..... many time I get the brunt of their anger in harsh waves of yells, threats and tears. It's a drain on me both emotionally and physically...... I hear horror stories from people that make me want to cry. All I can do is try to put it aside when I go home but I fear that I am storing it inside my psyche...... Today has been one of those days...... been hell on wheels..... I'd love to quit but the stress of the job coupled with other stress issues has led to me becoming anemic..... so I really need my medical coverage..... OTHERWISE I'D BE MAKING PORN!!

I've been thinking a lot about things..... hyper aware of what narcotics have done to me as a person. There are changes I will never be able to correct. From my first use with Wyatt right through the last time I did drugs, it's always been a tool to try filling the hole in my heart. But I know that it's not drugs I need. It's love. Yet love is something I've failed at ( or it's failed me ). I have made a fool out of myself lately by making thinly veiled passes at a couple of my boys..... not from desire to upgrade the friendship.... just out of need to be touched by someone I can trust. Sometimes I feel very alone in life and become desperate for a tangible connection.

Does anyone understand or am I dreaming these feelings? Am I talking to a wall?
erockskywalker@yahoo.com

Sometimes I need solitude. This weekend was spent in large part, alone.
My body didn't wanna have any part in activity.
Yesterday Virgin Boy came into town. Made me a little on edge. Always an inch too close when we were on the street, making me wanna give a little nuge. I couldn't really think of anything to say so we got stoned and went to see "Kill Bill"

KILL BILL..... What a damn fine film. Twice in a week and I could watch it again right now. The fucking amout of energy that smashes you on the surface can act as a distractor to the film's core theme of vengence. I wonder if it doesn't move too fast at times for people to stop and ponder why the bride is crying as she faces Oren in the snow....
I worked on an anime drawing of Uma as The Bride while sitting home alone today. Wanting to hang with Hoshua and Hennifer but not able to muster the energy to make a plan..... Yup, it was that kinda weekend.

Time to focus on getting through another week on the job. It's like walking on a tight rope.

I Need to quote Lily Taylor in "SAY ANYTHING"

"Joe lies,
Joe lies.
Joe lies when he cries."

But who's the liar?? Do you know?? Could be me. Might even be you.......

Another mostly sleepless night. Took a valume and even that didn't work. I'm hitting a point where I feel like I'm just going to melt away..... I want to cry because I am so lonesome in my heart right now and I can't seem to find anyone to hold me and kiss me who I can trust . I don't need a boyfriend but I need to feel connected. Is that wrong? Does that make me weak?

"Somebody save me. C'mon and save me. If you could, save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone." A.Mann

I feel like I'm dreaming yet know I'm awake. Just can't seem to wake up. Have not been sleeping that well lately. There is shit going on in my life that has begun to wear me down both mentally and physically. Some of the issues are out of my control and I know that I need to ride it out.... some of them are very much my doing and I need to face the music on those.

Let me tell you a little story from my past

I never had conflict regarding my sexuality. I knew I was gay much earlier than most people and because of the childhood I had I was very adept at rolling with things - I didn't want to beat myself up over anything when I had so many other people who treated me like shit....
Wyatt was one of the first people I remember being attracted to. We became friends quickly - there was a connection, an understanding between us that went beyond this life. We'd been together many times in many lifetimes I think. I fell in love with him despite his being straight. It was me and him.
As we grew out of teens we got into some messy shit. Started with heroin..... I didn't wanna get hooked so I kinda pulled away from him..... I couldn't do it though. I loved him and couldn't turn my back. Heroin turned to coke, coke to speed. Timelines blur for me but I did end up pulling away from him when he got a girl knocked up. She was an evil bitch and he was not going to clean up. I didn't want to see what this would do to a kid.
I end up in SanFrancisco a few years later and played phone tag with Wyatt. We never connected and 10 months to the day since I'd last seen him he was killed by a drunk driver in the middle of the night. He was alone, speed addiction had isolated him from friends and family and I had no idea how bad it'd been.
Within weeks I developed a speed habbit.

So, here I sit.... almost two years after his death..... always scared that those I love will be lost. At times I think Wyatt's demons claimed me - other times I wonder if it's easier to isolate myself than risk the pain of losing another loved one.
Every time I feel something more than sexual attraction for a guy in the last 2 years they leave the city. Scott to Portland, Jason to Amsterdam.
This is what haunts me every day. This is why I want to cry all the time.

It's so fucking strange what emotions will get you into. I'm all lamenting Jason leaving so I go and get naked with someone else.... a cool nice stoner boy..... turns out I took his virginity. This is something I didn't know until it was too late..... I'm at a loss for what to think. This boy is really cute and sweet..... and I want this experence to be a good one for him, but I don't know what I can offer anyone past fuckbuddy/ friend..... I was ready to offer Jason my love and commit to loving him with all my heart ( something I've never really done before) so the there isn't any way I could be someones man. Why the hell didn't I see this one coming?
LOL - Because I'm a dingbat with a big dick who likes using it.

Sang at the Mint last night. Love me some my Karaoke nights. I sang "Shadowboxer" and "Rocky Raccoon"..... the bartender told me my song choices were great and so was my voice. I am never ready for a complement when I get one so it took me a little off guard but in a good way.

Sitting here at work thinking about all this stuff has made me crave a cigarette.

Hey man,
Thanks for the call this morning. I would have called you back
but I wouldn't sound to good on the phone. After yesterday and last
night I've just been getting all my sadness out and I've been a
teared up mess. Thanks again for the book, and for just being such a
cool homo. There should be more of us! I'm glad we met and got to
spend some time together. You're a pretty swell man! Take care of
yourself and we will be in touch.
Love,
Jason

He's gone.
Jason is on his way to a new life in Amsterdam. I really am happy for him. That's not the kinda thing that happens to everyone and you gotta go for it when you have the chance. I'm really sad though.
In the last week all traces of intamacy were gone. He was staying with his ex and I guess that made kissing me too strange. So for all intents it's been like he's been gone for weeks...... I miss his touch already and I know it's gone for good.
So yesterday I go over to the ex's after work with a copy of "neverwhere" and a card. I give him the card and book, we smoke some pot and sit there..... and I realize there is nothing to say because we were so close to something bigger that didn't happen..... it was odd...... what could we say that wasn't just known? He knew I was falling in love with him. I knew he was moving on and regretted losing me...... (or maybe he doesn't)
So I watched Lord Of The Rings last night and slept off my sad feelings. I'm trying not to be gloomy but I've got that lonesome feeling eating me up.

Been out of work most of the week. Sick days are much less fun when you feel like shit.
Spent the better part of tonight trying to masturbate but it ain't workin' out for me. Got too much on my mind. Feeling like I'm at a transfer point in life and I don't know which connecting train to take.
I am not the type of person to want to jump right into a relationship when i meet a guy. My ex, Kevin, told me days after my best friend was killed that he couldn't be my boyfriend due to my instability. At the single most painful moment of my life I found myself with nobody to lean on as I mourned Wyatt's death. The chance that someone would do that to me again freaked me out so I just put up a wall.
Jason cracked through that wall and made me feel safe offering my heart. The same day I had that realization he says he's moving to Amsterdam on 10/9. A week from now he will be gone from my life and I don't wanna believe it's happening. I never felt the feeling he stirs in me. He makes me feel sexy. I catch him checking me out. He catches me checking him out. - See, it's never been both ways with other guys. There was always one who likes the other more. - But he must go and if fate is kind he'll come back.
Ok, so that's what I'm telling myself to make it feel ok. I wanna cry. I wanna see him everyday before he leaves but he's seemed to pull back. We're spending one night together this weekend and then that's that. This is going to hurt more before it gets better........

It's the middle of the week. Wed. New Comic book day.
Normally I am amped by the half way mark in the week. Lunch break walk to the comic book shop always makes me happy. It's a slice of calm during this hectic / stressful period of my life. I have my usual titles that I get monthly. CATWOMAN, JLA, BATMAN, THE OUTSIDERS, WONDERWOMAN and MYSTIQUE are my regulars. Then there are the mini-series that pop up. Sometimes they lure me in. Sometimes. But that's part of the experence. Going over the shelf, taking in the cover art.... Sometimes you get lucky and discover some amazing stuff. Then again, sometimes it's a steaming pile of shit ( JLA - SCARY MONSTERS ).
I try to get my people into comics but it never really happens. The stigma lingers that they're kid fare. Read the first 15 issues of the "Catwoman" series and tell me that it's kid stuff. WE'RE TALKING AMAZING NOIR WORK HERE!!!! Being a masculine gay guy with a mohawk and tattoos and a obsessive love for comics and sci-fi makes me feel a bit isolated. I have a hard time talking to guys because I'm not into the gym, circut parties and that kinda shit and I have yet to meet a fella who shares my interest..... but there is Jason.
Jason understands my passion though he doesn't share it. I think it endears me to him. There have been times when I've seen him right after hitting the comic shop and as I gush over my new books his smile says it all. ( OK - MORE ABOUT JASON AND BEING MELTED BY HIS SMILES LATER ) I realize that while my passion may not be shared, there are those who will not see it as being a scarlet letter of geekdom. Sure, I've always wanted a boy who'd be just as into it as me. We'd smoke a joint as we lay on the bed reading our new books, talking them over, debate the art.... radiohead playing....... Yeah, that'd be sweet.
Got sick this week willingly. Small price to pay for Jason's kisses. So I'm home from work, being bored and unable to just sleep it out. At some point I'll venture out for the new comics and some cough syrup.... but it's not going to change the mood this week has. Nothing will change the fact that I finally found the person I've been longing for - and his life is taking him away just as we're understanding what we could be to eachother.
Everything is grey.
SLOW LIKE HONEY AND HEAVY WITH MOOD