Jen and I just spoke for a bit and now I feel human.
I'd gotten sucked into comics and I was feeling that slippery feeling in my mind that usually signals a huge chunk of unexpected sleep.... Jen rang and we covered all our bases. She is so cute when she's got a buzz on. Despite feeling like everyone in this house is dislike-Eric focused I found myself belly laughing and it felt good. Like the feeling you have after using a hardening face mask.... the mask of gloom cracked and under it my soul was smooth and oil free!!

Memo to self: Maybe go get some of that mask shit and some calgon and have a soak.

Got up today and watched "Fellowship Of The Ring." It was a good way to wake up. I love the tone of the opening monologue....

"THE WORLD IS CHANGING.
I CAN FEEL IT IN THE WATER.
I CAN FEEL IT IN THE EARTH.
I CAN SMELL IT IN THE AIR......"

What I maganged to do today is get all my emotions in check for the first time in a long time. Thats kind of a big deal.

Took the bus to Toys R Us and wandered the store with no plans to shop. I just like looking. In a way it's like being a child again and no money..... just looking and wishing. I'm a hard core geek and I'm ok with that. It was an expensive week at the comic book shop but some of my favorite books came out so.......... Yay.

Random Quote From The 24 Bus - " I don't like it when people be dis-crim-in-a-tory-ing gay people to death because that against they're rights."

Random trend - Penis enlarging ads are being replaced with Paris Hilton in my junk mail box. OH PARIS, Y OU'VE REALLY MADE IT BIT THIS TIME!!!

Just to make the day utterly horrible..........

I chose to vent my feelings about the Jess's mom scene to Cheryl as we chatted over laundry in the basement. Bad idea, See, Jess's room is right above the laundry area. As my luck is shit you can bet your sweet ass she heard. I came upstairs and was met with an icey stare and when I tried to say hello she said ( in a voice loud enough for everyone inside to hear)

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME OR MY MOM TELL ME, DON'T DISRESPECT ME!

What could I say? I was guilty.
One of my biggest flaws is my aversion to conflict. I don't like to bitch. I ride things out, I bottle things up and sometimes I BLOG them...... The deal with Jess's Mom is that she is overbearing and she butts into everything..... she invades my personal space..... BUT the fact of the matter is she is Jess's Mom and being a Mamas boy I know that you don't say shit about someones Mom.
True, she has been here 4 weeks, no sign of her leaving..... but when it's Mom you have to deal. I have no resentment towards Jess, however today I just needed to get it out and seeing as Cheryl lives here too.............

I really care about Jess. She is a good girl and a good friend. I am ashamed of myself for being so disrespectful. In trying to spare her feelings I hurt them more.

Today was not that good.

I woke up after sleeping no more than 3 hours. Really bummed last night and couldn't stop the thinking.

Yeah, I'm going to offer Jason my friendship and I will expect nothing in return. What else can I do? I love him and my loyal heart diesn't let go easily. If he does come back I should consider it a gift to be able to see him. He is special to me in ways that scare me...... and I am SWELL to him....... Josh was going to spend the night and kick it with me but he ended up going on a date. We went to the mint for an hour or so and that was cool.... just bummed me out that he left. Time is running out on the time we can hang and I guess I felt like the date cheated me out of something, though what I don't know..... Hope he got laid though. Would make one of us...... Having people I care about come and go and go and go makes me hurt because I love my people.

I got a letter in the mail informing me that I am not going to get unemployment money because of the bastards I was working for told a different story. They said I could file an appeal but why bother? I'll just go back to work, even though my refocus time has been blown by Jess's mother who just never shuts the fuck up. Talks to herself all damn day...... when is she leaving? Whenever she decides to - and I have gotten the vibe to just suck it up because Jess isn't talking to me about it.

I have to wonder what I have done to be cursed with this kinda luck. I am starting to give up hope that life will ever be anything but constant letdowns, fuckovers and heartbreaks. No matter how small the thing that I'm happy for or excited about..... if I really allow myself to expect good, I get shit. People must think I make this shit up but I don't. I don't even tell people half of it.

I have never been lucky, popular or the winner.... yet I have always kept the hope alive that one day things would change and it'd all fall into place. I believe in the goodness of humanity.... I want to trust you before I distrust.... but lately that has become more and more difficult. It scares me that I may lose the aspect of myself I am most proud of. It feels out of my control yet I refuse to stop resisting bitterness.

I need to contact my loved ones and let them know I need all the positive vibes I can get. Maybe a few good luck charms or trinkets to ward off bad omens. Maybe I can slip away from the bad luck by changing my name to a symbol, like Prince.

ERIC...
You're swell...I'm going to become one with Beyonce now. I don't
think you should have kept your feelings to yourself either. I'm glad
that I made such a nice impression on you. Coming here has just
definately given me time to think and if I come back to SF friends
are definately what I'll need. I've realized that I'm not completely
through dealing with my last long term relationship too. Like every
other gay man I come with lots of issues...lol. Though my ime here is
definately helping me reacess things in my life. I'll keep you posted
on all the details though. Keep it reall yourself and I'll speak with
you soon.
Peace,
jason

So, that email would seem to put me in my place. Once again I've been a fool in the house of love. Been believing my own lies. A Love Foolosophy that never steers me right. FRIENDS. Yay.
Its been getting lame around here. Too much time to think. Too many little disappointments. Was it so wrong to hope I would have been worth his attention? Or Yours? Or (POINTING) Yours?
Beh - love is for suckers.

Monday - Waiting for the cable guy to come reboot our box. (That sounds so sexual.) Me and Padme are kickin' it here. She is attacking a fly that keeps buzzing around. I'm listening to songs that I'm considering singing for the Valentines day Chorus cabaret and dubbing a porn DVD that I rented..... (too much info.)

I got an email from Jason and I'm posting that and my response.

It means my craziness has infiltrated your psyche...run! anyways, on
that note, i am feeling very very crazy. i wont get into it until i'm
clearer on things myself. it has a lot to do with old relationships
and finances. so i'll probably be back in sf some time early next
year. my 90 days are up here Jan 7th or something. im fine otherwise,
ill type a clearer email when things appear that way in my mind! it
could be a while!...=-). be well and i'll keep you posted.
peace,
jason

Jason -

What you need to remember is to STAY BEYONCE FOCUSED!!!! W.W.B.D.!! What would Beyonce do?? She would KEEP IT REAL! I'm really sorry to hear that your stressin' and feeling kooky!! I don't know what you're thinking when you said past relationships are stressing you - but if that has anything to do with coming back to SF and feeling like I have expectations of you, don't sweat it. I just wanna be your friend, in whatever capacity you can offer. I want to be able to be a comfort to you.

You know, maybe I should have kept my feelings for you quiet, but I had wanted you to know what a special person you are and that of all the people in the world you're just about the only one I can let my guard down with.

So, whatever happens, stress not.If you end up back in SF you have a friend who thinks you hung the moon.

Love, Eric

Part 2 of last weekend comes this weekend......

The rest of last weekend was spent alone. Sadly I didn't want to be alone.
This is how my week began. Monday I picked up Padme and took her for a 3 hour trip to the park. We had a good time. Upon returning home Cyrus the new pup fell ill. He fought all week, clinging to life. The vet called it Parvo. Illness dogs can get by eating other dog's shit. The whore who lives above me has a little shit dog who craps up the backyard. Its been months that we have asked her to clean it and she never did.
Wed. night the vet told us if he didn't get better he would have to be put down on Thursday. Thursday he got better for a while but by thursday night was worse than ever. Friday morning some angel of dogs saved him and to be shock of all the little fucker pulled out of it and is (aside from being skinny as hell) ok.
The house grows crowded with people and I am feeling like a shadow. I lay low, try to get a grip on some of the darkness that bogs me down. Hopeful Josh will spend a night or two during the week, if not the whole week. Thinking the company will do me good....I'm just not sure what his plans are.
Josh, Jen and I were at the Mint on Wed. and ran into Corrbett. Don't know what to make of it.
I know for a fact that I don't want a boyfriend, but I want to feel some love. I know for a fact I am not able to be in a relationship because I don't want to be responisble for another's emotions. Then I wonder if my aloofness is pushing good guys out of the picture.
I am not willing to give up hope that Jason will return to me. I am not able to accept that Wyatt is gone forever. I am not going to put my heart in harms way. Is there a guy out there who would even consider putting his arm around me at this point, if just for a minute?

Strange weekend.
Josh is leaving soon. Friday night we cleared out some stuff that was going to Jen's. She had gotten some guy off Craig's List to assist with his van. When I got to Josh's I see this unattended van on the corner, all open and begging to be stolen. I figured that they were mid load so I walk up to the 3rd floor and find a thick tension in the air and some strange guy with a wounded head.
Seems this guy fell getting out of his van and cracked his head into a stop sign. Josh saw it happen (lucky bastard!) and told me how it went down but I still can't get the mental picture. Lets just say he smashed himself up good and was mad and I'm guessing embarrassed. We hurry and get the shit in the van and off Jen and guy go into the night.
I get a cab to Jens to help unload. Driving down VanNess the cab gets a blow out and crashed into a pole.
DIDN"T SEE THAT COMING.
I start walking, looking for another cab and run into Corbbett. Hasty talk followed by me rushing into another cab and getting to Jen's only to find all the stuff inside...... Jen and I had a few giggles as we arranged the new stuff. (Loves me some Jen) We head back to Josh's for dinner.
Midway through dinner I realized that our little group's days are numbered. It made me sad, so I focus on drawing Batgirl. There is something about having a threesome of close friends. You know you have someone on either side to support you when you can't hold yourself up..... ( though all of us have been guilty of trying to get through things alone).
Part of me wants to head off with Josh and forget this dive of a city. I feel like I had some things to learn here and I don't regret a moment of my time here...... maybe it'd be best to get while the getting is good. But there is Kevin, Padme, Jen and Rene..... the chorus..... things I would miss.... I think that Josh and I could kick it N.O. style and have a blast.... I'd be much closer to my family. But he should do it alone. There is a lot to be said for knowing that what you have you made for yourself.
I felt that way when I came to San Francisco.... but if that's true I made me a big pile of shit now.
( PART 2 OF THE WEEKEND MADNESS TO COME )

Can't sleep.
Don't even try anymore when I get like this. Scared to lay in the dark and quiet because that's when my brain shines up all the thoughts I work so hard to repress. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is for me or against...... Not that it'd matter because it's been like this as long as I can remember. One of the things I remember most about being a little boy was that before sleep I would worry that someday I would be buried alive. I would imagine my grave and people walking on it - being able to hear the footsteps. At 4 years old I had no real problems, so why did I create this thing to freak out about? No, not freak out. I never shared this before. It was just a private anxiety.
24 years later I lay in bed thinking "Why did I get myself fired." When is the shit going to hit the old fan? It always seems to. I think about Jason..... wonder why he has stopped emailing me. Do I send the CD's like I said I would? Is that making me a chump?? Why did he have to come into my life and then leave? I think about my drug habits and when will I get over them. Will I ever quit smoking? Will I see a day when I don't crave speed? Will I stay strong or will I fall into it harder than ever? Should I leave S.F. and start over. free of drug dealing friends who seem to never let me forget what they have to offer? Would my dog miss me??
This is just a sample of what happens when I lay awake in the dark.
It's like falling though a big void.
Why can't I think of the happy, good things when I rest?

Thursday I went to my friend Erin's place for tattoo work. She rocks the free tats for me and I love her to death for it and trust her work with all my heart..... the set up seemed simple. Two dogs both ready to lunge for a bone was to be put forever more on my belly. WAS TO BE..... not what went down.
It had been a while that we hadn't seen one another so we hung and talked for a while while I smoked some pot. After an hour or so I laid down on the table with my belly exposed. She did one small line and as soon as the needle touched my skin everything in the room turned red and I felt myself lurch.
"Stay still, babe." I heard Erin say.
I tried to relax and she started again. No good. The pain was white hot. I couldn't take it. I felt myself shake and tense up. After about 5, maybe 10 minutes I asked for a break. I got up and smoked and shook it off, hopeful that I just needed to get into the pain and not fight it. We started again, this time with a cd of buddhist munks chanting. I listened to the music and let myself get into the voices...... that lasted another 10 minutes.
Finally I just had to quit.
"Finish this dog and then I need to stop!" I heard myself say. There was an edge to my voice that could not be mistaken. I was done.l
It's healing ok. Looks like shit because I was so jittery. She's going to work on it again Thursday for a while. Both of us agree that the whole design must be finished but it may take 4-5 sittings. For some reason I just can't get over the pain...... this is not like me. This is my 6th tat and never, NEVER have I been so freaked.

I'm sitting here thinking about everything and nothing.
Reading "KINGDOM COME" - a graphic novel about the last event in the DC comics universe - and it's really got my mind going. The basic run down on the plot is; 10 years before the story begins, Superman goes into seclusion after he is put on trial for warning that Lex Luthor is evil. Following this his peers (Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, The Flash) also retire. The children and grandchildren of these heros have no concept of TRUTH AND JUSTICE - they are simply superpowered thugs who destroy the better part of the USA - This causes Superman to return with his crew and clean things up. He tries to get Batman (now a broken old man) to join him but Batman refuses. All these events begin the end of the world.
It's got me thinking about mankind..... how apathetic we have become. This country was hijacked by the rich. War has been waged over oil and people still think that the USA is doing this for human rights. I've lost faith in people because there is something very alarming about a race that will ignore truth, disregard all signs or wrong doing..... who are more upset when their cell phone doesn't work than when the leader of the country is a LIAR, KILLER and DIPSHIT!
I don't believe Superman is going to save us but it would sure be welcome.
'

When you work from your home
and johns call on the phone
you're a call girl.
When you walk til you limp
and give a cut to a pimp
you're a street whore.
When they're beggin' you "please"
to get down on your knees
near their groinage
Excusa me,
but you see,
don't you touch
where they pee
without coinage
When I straddle and squat
to show you my...

JERI BLANK

Life is like a box of chocolates..... I bite into it and it's not what I was expecting so I spit it out.

So much has gone down. Got fired. That sucks on one hand and is a revelation on the other. I didn't realize the extent that UBH drained me. Now that I am free of the day to day bullshit I am relaxing, drawing, singing, jerking off.... All the little things that I couldn't do at 100% with that evil place's energy on me. It's true that I have no money saved and I'm dealing with that reality more and more with every dollar I spend. But I think it's going to be ok. I rearranged my bedroom, cleaned out all my junk. Feeling like I'm getting this train back on track.

I got dressed up as a Post Modern Tin Man for halloween. It was kinda fresh for a costume I threw together in 2 hours. The Castro was (as usual) a madhouse. Because it was Friday night it was a little more than I've seen it. Josh, Jen, Darcey and 2 of their coworkers (names slip me) met me here at home and we walked down. Hit the Mix for a few beers. Josh as Dolly Parton (with singing boobs, thank you very much) Jen as a present ( fitting as her friendship is the gift that keeps giving) and Darcey as a Geisha. We were a hot lil' band. I got seperated from them when I stopped to say Hi to someone. I thought I could keep my eye on Josh's big blond wig but that didn't work as there were 1000 blond wigs swirling around. I gave up looking for them after a little bit and headed home.....

Got the feeling that my babies thought I ditched them. I feel guilty because I can see how my recent attitude and actions would lead them to that thought..... I really don't wanna be that guy who brings everyone down so I've hung back and in turn I think I have become "That guy". BUT..... That is all over now. When Josh gets back from N.O. we're all going to throw down and it's going to be all good.

Talked to my Dad tonight. He abused me as a kid because I was the living proof that his true love bailed on him and he settled for my mom. It was an ugly relationship between us for so long. The older I get the more I understand him and I find myself able to forgive. If he was different when I was growing up I wouldn't be the man I am today...... and for the first time in a long time I must say I am a hell of a guy and I'm happy to be me...... scars and all.

"I CRIED WHEN I HAD NO SHOES UNTIL I SAW A MAN WITH NO FEET...... AND THEN I LAUGHED REALLY HARD!" Jerri Blank