"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday – happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen – sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me – no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me – look right through me

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world . . . world
Enlarge your world
Mad world"

I'll be walking out the door in just about 2 hours.... return home. For better or worse it is the path I've got to take. I just made Kevin watch Donnie Darko. We're both in a numb state of quiet. The above lyrics play over the final moments of the film.... a film that haunts me and inspires me. Sadness has my heart feeling heavy and I've gotta go pack.

My phone ain't ringing and I have no place to go.
Being taken at arms length is better than being taken for a fool.
I've bent over backwards, forwards and all around... and I have gotten nothing. Not even fucked.
Just games and manipulation.
I feel fuckin' spun.
There is a jet with a seat that has my name on it.

I'm not an airy track infection.... YOU'RE AN AIRY TRACK INFECTION!!!

I have had this issue since I was 8 or 9. I need to remember to drink a cup of good cranberry juice a day. My pee pee is feeling owwie!

You'll Get Yours Yet..... However Big You Think You Are!

There are some things that I can not control. There are forces stronger than myself. There are things I will never understand and there are things I will continue to defy regardless of the results. These are a few truths I can cling to right now. Thats a good thing.
I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning in Strawberry Fields. Somethings are real and there are going to be things to be hung about..... but I know that there is room in my beaten up and battered heart to love and to allow myself to be loved.

I love Jen. She is all that I admire in a person - She can make me smile the minute after I vow to frown forever. She lifts me up in small doses and understands me better than I realize.

I love Kevin. He makes me want to friggin' kill him.... but he is who he is and he never makes excuses for that. He allows me to exist in his world under the condition that I respect his limits. There is something to be said for that. I must remember that unlike me, he is quite satisfied with his life. I should be ashamed of myself for coming in here and pointing out all the flaws I see. There is a huge part of me that thinks he needs me.... but maybe he doesn't. Maybe he sees that I need him?

Josh, the elusive little cat that makes me see myself in a positive light.

Just a little crop of the people I love and who love me...... off the top of my head I also have James, Rene, David, Nick, the Chorus...... and somehow I must get past the fear that these people will care less if they saw how badly I am bleeding right now

Fucking crazy dreams wake me in the middle of the night - can't remember what was going on in them to freak me out so badly. Something that had to do with having Padme on a leash and Josh being behind the wheel of a car. But I don't know if either of those things were what scared me.

Both Kevin and I have been drug free for a while. Good news.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... Mom said to stick it out.
If thats what I gots ta do, I will.
This whole period of my life is just not ending soon enough.
I don't want to seperate myself from people but I feel like I bring nothing worthwhile to the table anymore.
Some random person I was talking to suggested I spend 20 minutes making eye contact with myself - saying I'd see something there that others see and I'd be able to regain some of the self respect I've lost.
We'll see......

I'm fuckin' done.
Actually had to beg for cigarettes tonight.
Calling my mother in the A.M. and getting on the first flight out of here.
There is a line I didn't think I'd have to cross and that's asking strangers for a smoke. For some reason having sex for money is less degrating to me. And it's not that I haven't tried to find work. But right now.... even if I got a job tomorrow (which is highly unlikely) I would still not be able to eat or smoke for 2 weeks.

notheronedog: Kinda shocked to be chatting with an attractive gay guy who doesn't smirk at my dork side
FixxWisdom: Please
FixxWisdom: Tell me a superhero's name and I'll give you their real name
FixxWisdom: lol
notheronedog: Ok - Wonder girl
notheronedog: Current
FixxWisdom: Donna Troy
FixxWisdom: Oh wait
FixxWisdom: Cassie SAndsmark
notheronedog: Good save!
FixxWisdom: *whew*
notheronedog: Starfire
FixxWisdom: Kory
FixxWisdom: Something
notheronedog: close enough
FixxWisdom: Kory Alienname
FixxWisdom: lol
notheronedog: Speedy
FixxWisdom: Roy Harper
notheronedog: (the junkie!)
notheronedog: Mystique
FixxWisdom: Raven Darkholme
notheronedog: Will you marry me?
notheronedog: LOL
FixxWisdom: hahahaha
FixxWisdom: take a number
FixxWisdom: lol
notheronedog: Oh, it's not allowed anymore.
FixxWisdom: Yeah
FixxWisdom: Love that second class citizenship
notheronedog: How many devorces will you go through before my number and will you have anything to show for yourself at that point? My good looks will only get us so far
FixxWisdom: Heh
notheronedog: I am actually not that shallow at all.
FixxWisdom: I didn't think you were
FixxWisdom: :-P
notheronedog: Thanks :-)
notheronedog: ok..... who is getting bumped in Identity Crisis?
FixxWisdom: Dunno
FixxWisdom: If you do don't say!
FixxWisdom: Maybe Firestorm
notheronedog: I don't but if it's J'onn J'ones I am going to shed real tears
notheronedog: I shit you not
FixxWisdom: He won't die
FixxWisdom: And if he does he will be back
FixxWisdom: Myabe it has something to do with Hal coming back
FixxWisdom: :-o
FixxWisdom: YEAH!
FixxWisdom: It's KYLE
FixxWisdom: I'll bet
notheronedog: I relate to J'onn more than any superhero I think.
FixxWisdom: I'll bet they kill Kyle
notheronedog: his return was not what one would want when coming back from space
notheronedog: But I liked the idea of him having gay sex in the shower
FixxWisdom: Huh?
FixxWisdom: Who had gay sex in the shower?
notheronedog: Nobody. He walks in and thinks Jenn is showering but it's a blond hottie
notheronedog: and he's all "D'oh!"
FixxWisdom: A guy
FixxWisdom: And GL screws him?
FixxWisdom: HOT
FixxWisdom: lol
notheronedog: No sex but he asks if he can hop in too before realizing its a guy
FixxWisdom: hahaha
FixxWisdom: I stopped readin GL when Judd suckass Winick took over and made it shitty

notheronedog: I actually like the Outsiders and Caper has been OK but I am not sold on Mr. Real World SF
FixxWisdom: Caper was good from what I hear
FixxWisdom: Really goo
FixxWisdom: dBut not my scene
FixxWisdom: Jewish mafia... I'll pass
notheronedog: I can see your point
FixxWisdom: Can you hang on a few mins. I wanna keep talkin, but I gotta wash my face and plug in the laptop, running on 13% power
notheronedog: I can hang
FixxWisdom: OMG, Barb Wire is on
FixxWisdom: lol
notheronedog: Run away from the TV

Spent the day interacting with strangers.
Met a guy outside the coffee shop on 17th and Sanchez and got to talking about video games and comic books. It was pretty painless and kinda nice. Didn't want to come back to the hideout (kevin's) so I dropped in the Badlands because Ian (the classiest beeotch in SF) was tending bar. Got into a conversation with a middle aged guy who is just coming out. That was slightly intense but I was on a roll with strangers so I took the ride.
He and Ian looked over my sketch book and the guy fell in love with a picture of Padme I had drawn..... he could tell she was my dog beccause of all the drawings it was the only one which radiated love. So I gave it to him with my deepest gratitude.
I think I am going to watch some Dark Angel on DVD and crash out early. Tomorrow is job hunt time and Mint Monday. Need to be fresh and ready to crack skulls with my fresh flava! LOL
But first I must email.

Keep watching the sky.

Early morning walk with Padme led to some fun at the park. The way early crowd is kinda stuck up so Padme and I made fun of everyone and their dogs.
Spent a good evening with James - funny how sometimes you get what you need without looking for it. He offered me some keen insight and that opened my eyes to stuff I knew but didn't want to cop to.
Can't get "Cream" by Prince out of my head.
What is that about? What does he mean by "Look up in the air - there's your guitar."???? How did my guitar get up in the air? I didn't know it was a flying guitar!

Josh is home and coming to the mint tomorrow night. I am so fucking happy to see him I may cry. I've missed that little punk so much. For some reason I have the ability to let my guard down with him - something I am realizing is rare. Looking forward to meeting his fella too. Kinda nervous because I wonder sometimes if I put too much love into people and all..... I just want to feel like I belong again. Family (even and especially adopted ones) is a comfort I have missed of late. Being around people who want to see me rise out of this bog of sadness .............. I need it.

Listen to PARANOID ANDROID and RAPSODY IN BLUE today and you'll be able to see into my head.