Panic wakes me from sleep at one A.M.
I walk down the street to clear my head and realize I have not eaten since Sunday. The grocery store is 24 hours, I pick up a box of corndogs because they are filling, cheap and come 20 to a box. As I stand at the check out, my heart begins to race. "Don't spend any money!!" one of the voices in my head cries out. Another voice says "We need to eat."
So my fragmented personality does battle with itself.... and I feel reality slip through my fingers. From the corner of my field of vision inward, blackness like water spills.... and then nothing for what seems to be hours. My brain just shut itself down, leaving my body stranded in a grocery store.
Suddenly I was back. Worried people look at me like I have just crapped myself (which I didn't). I force a grin, pay for my food and make a hasty exit...... worried that I am that mental. Unsure of how long I was in the dark.... unsure what I did or said in that time.... scared that this damaged person is me.

While in Walgreens I was exposed to that Beach Boys song "Wouldn't it be nice"..... it won't get out of my head.

How many times will I begin by saying "It's late."?
Very strange day. Woke to the sounds of my roommate getting some cock. Got me to thinking about how I am in the sack. I tend to be a quiet lay. There is something to be said for good old fashon loud sex.... however, there is a time and a place. What you have to consider when letting out some banchee sounds of lust is who can hear you. Nobody likes listening to other people fuck..... (ok, some people do) No matter how hard you try to focus on something else it never works. You just keep seeing images of the screamer with his or her legs up on someone's shoulders.... So I laid in bed, thinking about the different ways to let them know I can hear them without yelling "I CAN HEAR YOU!".... I came up with 4 solid options.

1. Drop something heavy and then remain totally silent. They're bound to get paranoid that they are fucking the very walls down and calm a little.
2. Go flush the toilet. "You're having sex and I just took a dump."
3. Light a cigarette. They'll catch the smell and think about how good that after sex smoke is.... suddenly the train to cumsville is an express.
4. Make louder sex noises. Turn the tables. They will marvel at your tasteless sex habits.

It rained so hard today.... all I wanted to do was just listen to the sounds of the storm in a dark room. My mind has begun to dance around the idea of a story that I think I must tell. The faint outlines of a theme are becoming visible to me.... and in them I see the hurt I have inside, the grief I have for my friend, the revenge I wish was mine for the taking. It all begins to seem so clear and clever.... to live my dark desires on the page.... leave myself open for the light, knowing that the dark will have it's voice..... yeah, that might be safe.
Been thinking a lot about Josh's exit. I'm sad because I feel like he's gone already in some ways. I'm really proud of the boy though.... He's got a bunch of people here who love him to death and still has the balls to take on a new city.... unlike myself, who came to SF because I had nothing to lose.
One of my best pals is talking about moving out here.... Tim..... the most beautiful str8 boy in all the land...... Dove and I spoke today for the first time in months. I realize that everyone who leaves isn't always gone for good. It's comforting.

Christmas 03 leaves me feeling cold. Why don't we just take the Christ out of it and call it "annual retail day" where we all pay our respects to the god that is materialism? And what is with people who clearly haven't put thought into the crap they offer as a gift. "Oh, thanks for the garbage can!".... or "wow! You went all the way to walgreens to get me this bag of gummy bears?!"...........only thing worse is when you get "I was going to get you this thing but I couldn't get to that store. I'll give it to you later!" Later usually ends up being never. My point here is.......why fucking bother if you clearly don't mean it?

A) you don't believe in or pray to Jesus. There is no need to be celebrating a religious holiday if you don't subscribe to the damn religion!! Why am I the only one who feels this way? I wanna smack people who tell me "Its the christmas spirit I am into!" BULLSHIT!!! The christmas spirit is the warmth of heart to know that the damn son of God was born. Maybe what you have is a high from the fumes of that credit card burning a hole in your pocket...... oh and while we're going all out for holidays that have no meaning to us, will we go all out for Bastille Day too?

B) Gift giving is not an obligation but can be insulting when treated like one. Keep your damn $5.00 and save us both the trouble that you're going to cause by giving me an ashtray. Really. I'd be less insulted if you just give me the $5.00. Put some thought into it and that 5 could have bought the materials to make me a mix cd or gotten some Hot Cookie snickerdoodles..... something that proves you thought something other than "Oh crap, better pick him up something."

C) Keep your lies to yourself. Lies make Baby Jesus cry and if you ain't planning on gifting me thats cool...... but if you blow sunshine up my ass about a belated gift I will belate our friendship. I am sure there is a room somewhere where all my belated gifts have gone over the years cuz I never see them.

Just got home. After 3am. Good night.
Took David to Ians Christmas gathering. Very mellow, conversational vibe.
Ian kisses my cheek a lot.
Nice.
This boy is coming over tomorrow.
Can't seem to bring myself to feel anything about it.
He is cool. He is cute.
People are leaving - people are coming.
All over the world people are offering gifts to one another in the shadow of a religon most don't believe in.
I feel like I've got one foot in reality and one foot in a world of illusion.
Which way to step?

I got laid this weekend. Whoooo Hoooo! And it was pretty fucking good too.
I'd been chatting with this guy from Kansas who was moving out here a bit and this was his first weekend out here. (Actually lives a few hours away but I don't recall the town.) He came into the city and we watched some star trek movie (2 I think) and then DID IT.
Hehehe...... I'm out of it tonight. Want to pass out but I've been sleeping all day. Gotta be awake at some point.

I've slept most of the day away.

Rain and sleep go hand in hand. Such sweet slumber. I love to walk that line of sleep and awake where I can hear the rain on my windows. Thats love. That's life. The thin strand that takes work to walk..... awake is awake and too deep into sleep is death..... I feel like my mind is totally alive when on the line.
Tonight the reality of Jen's office holiday party. Should be some fun. I am looking forward to our date. Jen has my heart..... she never fails to make me giggle..... and she calls me Boo which just makes me melt. It's going to be a good night.
David emailed me and let me know that we're cool.
Jason is coming home for 2 weeks to allow 3 months back in Amsterdam. Hahaha.... immegration games

LOSER.
David called today. We hung out for a while. Walked downtown and back. Watched Strangers With Candy. I made a pass that failed miserably - David politely exited.

Got home from "Return of the King" a little while ago. It's late and I'm tired but I get the feeling if I don't write I'll lose these thoughts forever. The movie left me very introspective. I was thinking about where I was 2 years ago when I saw "Fellowship" and where I am now. What has happened during that time has been mirrored in some way on the screen. I wept openly several times during the movie. Feelings surged through me.... I thought about the grief I have been carrying with me..... much like the ring, it has corrupted me and decieved me into thinking I needed it. I know it's time to throw the ring into the fire.
Sam..... I am so connected with this character. Willing to walk to the fires of Mount Doom with my loved ones.... willing to carry them if they can't make it. So often turned on or overlooked......... But never wavering in my love and loyalty.
So, I'm working on Josh's REM CD. I fear that he will forget me when he is gone like Scott has, like Jason.... like so many people who have been special to me. I just want to be remembered, missed. I don't wanna fall through the cracks until one day I'm just someone from the past. So I am making him a collection of the best of REM, from their first album on..... they were my first band and their music was the soundtrack that bridged youth and adulthood. I hope he feels the connection.
I fear that I have done something to make him uncomfortable. The night he was to couch surf on my turf he bailed..... Being a freak I wonder if it has something to do with me. Seems like many of my relationships are in strange places at the moment. Sometimes I wonder why people seem to take me at arms length. Jeremy pointed out that I had a clingy side so I corrected it......... still.............
Rene and I have drifted into the uncomfortable zone, Iz, Jeremy and David too. Scott is gone and never bothers to reply to emails. Corbett just sent an email to cut me off..... Seems like Jen and Jessica are the only people I'll have around this time next month.
I don't know..... now I'm just losing myself in a flood of regrets and memory.
Time for bed.
I always have time for you.

Wanna be like me? These are some of the songs I can;t stop listening to today.....

1.PAPER BAG - FIONA APPLE
2.HOW INSENSITIVE - SINEAD O'CONNOR
3.SEXED UP - ROBBIE WILLIAMS
4.TROUBLE - PINK
5.TRY - NELLY FURTADO
6. KITTY - PRESIDENTS OF THE USA
7. GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD - ELTON JOHN

Things I am watching.....

1. JUSTICE LEAGUE CARTOON
2. LORD OF THE RINGS DIRECTORS CUTS ( RETURN OF THE KING IS OUT!!!)
3. PORN
4. ADULT SWIM on the cartoon network

I wish I could paint it for you - This color that I feel.
Words don't convey it.... however hard I try to construct my thoughts into an idea you will grasp it's still not hard enough.
Songs don't do the feeling justice. I get the feeling nobody feels this.
So I wish I had paints and a bowl for blending them
I'd stay up for days until I mixed it just right.
Then I'd call to you and when you came I'd simply smear the white walls.
You would look, nod your head, hold out your hand for mine and know.
Then there would be no more "Why?"

Yeah, I've lost some faith in love.
Yeah, I've lost some self control.
Yeah, I've got some problems
Yeah, I've brought some on myself.
Yeah, I've fallen off my path.
Yeah, I've got to get back up.
Yeah, I've got to get back up.....
But remember....
I am mostly made of love
I am not afraid to share it -
But staying true to my nature means I must allow myself to be soft
I have never ment to hurt anyone
And so I end up hurting myself.
When I hurt, I hurt completely
It's very hard being soft.
But I stay this way because the world gets harder all the time.
I stay this way because someday you will need me to be there.
Sometimes I am scared because sometimes I need you.... and you're never really seem to care.
Thats when I turn the other cheek.
Thats when I tell myself not to cry.
Thats when I refresh my strength with poison.
My pride has begun to waver and I don't like to look myself in the eyes
This is just a river I must wade through
I tell myself to hang tight.
I tell my secrets to the night.

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=GMNSOQK&key=BPH

Yeah, thats right! I am hotter than 88% of the population. What can I say?
For being kinda hot I am thankful.
I am looking forward to this week. Going to start job hunting in full force. Monday night is Josh's dinner at Jens..... I'm going to make something good for my favorite person named Josh. Then Friday I'll be Jen's date for her office Christmas party. Really glad and flattered that I was asked. It's just what I need. Reasons to be social again. Reclaim the me that was fearless and fun.
Just bumming around today because I am a little oogy in the belly.
Rene's got a show tonight.
I should go. Just have to see how I feel.
Miss that mofo really bad.

Sometimes its hard to tell if anyone cares about you.
Days spent alone can be a bad thing if there are too many of them in a row.
You go out and walk around the Castro or the Haight and the streets are full of people that don't know you. Don't want to know you. You feel invisable. Insignifigant.
The phone starts to ring less and less.
You don't know what to say when it does.
"Hello, I am lonesome. Can you come out and play?"
But everyone has someone else to go to.
And you're not the shiny penny you used to be.
Through the walls a little girl is crying.
And you wish you could join in.

Yesterday I sang my sweet ass off and Jen was on one side of the church and Kevin on the other. It was nice considering I sent out three emails about the show and a few other people I assumed would be there weren't. Walking upstairs in line I felt tears welling in my eyes because I knew that most of my people wouldn't be there. I don't know.... I'm losing faith in everyone.... but there they were and it made me feel like there was a reason for being with the chorus.

Today I have an ear infection and my whole being is disturbed. No center of balance and a whole lot of pain.

I ate corndogs for dinner and tried to make some peace with Jess's mom but she fucked it up in her usual way. Still no sign of leaving.

Need to get laid What is wrong with me that I can't even get laid in this fuckin' town?

Sunday is gloomy - my hours are slumberless.
Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you.
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday.

Sunday is gloomy - In shadow I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all.
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers will be said, I know.
Let them not weep. Let them know I am glad to go,
Death is no dream for in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you.
Gloomy Sunday.

Dreaming
I was only dreaming.
I wake and I find you asleep
in the deep of my heart - darling - I hope that my dream hasn't haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I've wanted you
Gloomy sunday.....

Thats how I feel today but for who?? A few names come to mind.
If you don't know the song, you should hear it. Billie Holliday does the best version. Sinead's is bad ass too. LISTEN TO IT!

I feel alone.
I feel scared.
I feel like I'm the only one who knows this ain't a dream.
I feel like there is nothing to make this better.... So why bother with a scream?
Do you know how many times I have wished you'd really see me?
Not the boy who makes you laugh, but the boy who needs your touch.
I feel like you'd understand if I told you all my lies.
I believe you would understand if I told you why I cry.
And that's what I need more than anything... someone to understand.
someone to believe with me.
Someone to take my hand.
You don't have to tell me it's all right
You'd make it ok if you keep holding me tight,
but I'm talking to thin air
and listening to rain that's been falling all night.

I got this email......

i'm really preoccupied right now with a bunch of different things, so i'm gonna have to cool things off with you. nothing's wrong, but i think the word "preoccupied" best describes my situation. i don't know if proper protocol would have been to call you or just email you, so i took the easy route. but you're a sweet guy and an excellent sex buddy, and hopefully someday i will get to watch you belt out a bug number on stage at the mint. c-ya around...

corbett

God, I just love the way people are willing to treat others. I guess I'm always expecting better of people because I don't treat people this way, blow someone off with an email.
I had expected today to be good. Was going to get together with Rene for breakfast - he had to change the plan and that left me home alone. Then this email comes out of nowhere and I'm just at a loss.
Fuck it . People suck.

Last night at the mint.... hadn't slept in well over 24 hours. Sang a whole lot.
LIGHTHOUSE TALE - NICKEL CREEK
ONE - U2
LITTLE RED CORVETTE - PRINCE
KHARMA CHAMELION - CULTURE CLUB
BABY ONE MORE TIME - BRITTNEY
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE - G-N-R
CORNFLAKE GIRL (backing Josh)

Damn good night. Best time out in ages.
Josh and Jen were there when I got there. Jess came a bit later, which made me very happy. We've never hung outside the house before ( which is mostly my fault and I regret it now because the is a fucking trip and a half) and later in the night Andrew came.
So, I'm sitting there, drunk and tired and trying to work up the guts to talk to a sexy number who was eyeballing Josh until I sang "Baby one more time" and then I think he just wanted to take us both..... and he gets up and sings "plush" which won me over. I get up to talk to him and see him leave. Just my luck.
Then I am laying in bed with thoughts of sexy men running through my head and I realize that we were the hottest people there.... all my friends are pretty much hot.... and I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I am too..... that's why we can hang.... we know what its like to have people be jealous of us (thanks Cher Horowitz)
I have to stop thinking I'll be rejected and act on impulse as opposed to lamenting another missed opprotunity.
I should be sleeping with my friends too.