I read something that inspires me......

"In the sky you have the light of stars, like millions of small candles, surrounded by the vast darkness of space. It is your choice.... be a candle or the darkness."

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Bad nights lead to bad days.
Simple truth that you can't deny.

Padme is going through something.... she seems depressed and anxious. When I get in bed she stands near the pillows and digs furiously. Her face is one of worry and sadness.... which is still a beautiful, cute face.... but heartbreaking. She is my dog, my baby, my best girl! The only being on this planet I have complete and utter love and trust in.
Last night was bad.
She wouldn't let me sleep. She was wimpering. She was doing her digging. She laid beside me and I couldn't sleep. We staired at one another... I became completely aware of how unhappy she was and I felt it too. Tiny, cluttered apartment. Feeling trapped and lonesome. Wanting to just run as fast and far as possible to release what has been building up inside.
So.... I walked her at 1:00am. She just wanted to be outside.
I didn't get back into bed until 2:00am.
Padme was still clingy.
I fell asleep so sad that I couldn't make it better.
For her, I'd do anything for it to be better.
I was up at 5:30 for an early shift at work.
I have a job interview today for a job I no longer want.
Feels like I'm walking through a world of jello.

I am worried about my dog.

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Have you ever wished you could to jump through a phone and kick the person on the other end in the face?
I have had that happen twice today.
The joy of working in a callcenter.
The first was a perky cheerful guy..... the conversation went like this....

ME: Order Processing, My name is Eric. How can I assist you?
GUY: HI! Eric?
ME: Yes?
GUY: This is Chuck!
(Long pause as I try to figure out who Chuck is)
ME: ..................ok. Hi Chuck.
GUY: How is it going Buddy?
ME: Ummm.... Ok. Is there something I can help with?
GUY: Yeah.... seems-

And then he finally got into what the issue was. I just hate it when people are too chipper with strangers over the phone. I was thinking it was a co-worker or something.... and he confused me. It irked me.

Next...... the person who would benifet most from my foot to the face form of justice...... Miss Mumble.

ME: And how can I assist you?
MUMBLE: Gurhunguen ngsbngs hsifiema maimfe $18.98
ME: Ummmm...... $18.98? Your balance?
MUMBLE: Huhgh! thrjngi sdne snfisdmo mfnguir $18.98

and this went on for 5 minutes until I finally figured out what she wanted. By then though, I was too far gone to be kind. I just hung up with anger and a dream of smashing her face with my foot


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I am a goofy-doofy guy.
Last night Ben called me and asked me to go meet him at the Mint so we could try the new Sushi joint that opened nextdoor (new managment - better food)... so I head down there around 6:00pm.

This is the thing about drinking at the Mint.... I have fun. A lot of fun. The regulars know me and so there is always someone there to chat with... and my drinks are always really strong, sometimes free and they seemingly have one ready just as I'm finishing the one I'm drinking.

So, Ben and I camped out at the end of the bar for a good 5 hours last night.... having an awesome time, laughing and singing and being drunkenly foolish...... and then it started.......
He started getting mushey.... touchy-feely (which is an Eric No-no when in public).... and I kinda froze up.... wanted to go home.... wanted to be alone..... suddenly I realize what is happening....

When someone who is kind and sweet expresses more than a passing interest in me I freeze up. I become painfully aware of my flaws in interpersonal relations.... I know that I lose interest.... I know that I feel trapped... I know that I lash out.... I know that I resent.

The question I keep asking is how to slow down this momentum we seem to have built up and just coast for a while. I completely adore Ben.... I just can't make it something more than pals right now and I don't want that to hurt him.

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PUPPY PROZAC


Was a very strange weekend..... Very strange.
Several months ago I was sitting in the Castro, having a smoke and a cup of coffee.... up walks this kid in his early 20s. He asks me for a smoke and after I gave it to him he sits beside me. Now, I don't own the bench outside of Starbucks so I couldn't tell him to beat it.... and I have a tendency to not wanna be bothered, which I don't like having. So I sat and talked to this guy....
The first mistake I made was allowing him to walk me home.
Within a day he started showing up at my door.
Turns out he is homeless.....
Suddenly he is gone.
Two months go by and Friday night he starts showing up again. He came by 6 times in 2 days. Kevin is pissed and I can't blame him. I want to tell this kid to fuck off... but he is homeless and I worry that if I upset him he will rob my apartment or something..... So I am kinda tripping out a little, trying to figure out what the best way to handle this is.

Padme is acting strange lately. She has taken to digging in the bed while I am sleeping in it. Kevin was so annoyed by it that he kicked her out of the bedroom and closed the door (which for Kevin is like smacking her face).... she has also been really clingy when I leave the house in the a.m. and I'm starting to think that she is just lonesome and feeling abandoned now that Kevin and I are both working.
Poor Padme...... she needs Puppy Prozac.

Friday night I was treated to a free Chris Thile show. He played the hell out of some classical music on him mandolin...... amazing and beautiful.

Ok - Random thoughts.....

Sarah is knocked up and getting married. March 20th. May have to go home for that.
Took Ben to meet my friends last night. He likes them.... they seem to like him. I really care for him.... just dont know if we should be lovers or pals
My apartment is so messy and nasty I may hire someone to come in and deal with it.
It snowed a foot in my home town. I miss snow.




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Virgo 1/20/05
Never doubt that you are here for a reason. Never doubt tht in the greater scheme of things, you are a poweful soul wtih a glorious future. You will catch a glimpse of that future today and it will inspire you to do more, do better and above all, do it with the right kind of attitude

Thanks to Mom for sending me my horoscope.....

I lost my glasses and I feel like a huge goof.... I can't see shit and so my face is all squinty and I keep bumping into things..... Which could lead to some serious slapstick humor.... if that's your thing. I gotta try and steer clear of banana peels and wet floors.
The sun is bright today and it's a reflection of my mood. I'm happy for some reason... despite whatever trials I'm facing. Nothing is as big of a deal as it seems from the inside looking out.... so I'm moving outside and looking in. There is music outside and clean air..... most of all, perspective.
Got a job interview on Friday afternoon at Superstar Video on Castro Street. Now I can say "Superstar" like Mary Catherine Galligar and have a reason. The job is minimum wage and the only perk I can see is free rentals.... but when 80% of the stock is smut..... what's to rent? But on the plus side, I will get to know the porn viewing habits of attractive men... HAHAHA!
"Oh, he's cute."
"He likes freaky shit!"

I can't get all down in the dumps over the little things. Setbacks are not forever. I gotta believe in that..... believe in me and believe in you. And you. And most of all You!

UPDATE - I got called into the boss's office after posting this before...... they want to keep me on here at least another 3 weeks... that is good news. Still planning on taking the time to go interview at the video store... because that way I've got options. Options are good.


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I feel like Annette Benning in "American Beauty" when she is trying to psych herself up for selling the house..... "I WILL SELL THIS HOUSE....TODAY!" I am walking around.... "I will get a job today!"
This isn't that big of a deal.... I know that I can get work. It's the set backs that get me down and it's feeling kinda unimportant that sucks.

Have you ever felt like if you vanished, nobody would know? I have.
It's how I feel .... shadow boy (boxer).
Sometimes.... and I know I've been through this before.... but sometimes I wish I could.
Sometimes I get so sad....
Sometimes I get so happy...
Sometimes I get so mad that I have to come to you.
The boy who can lay low likes to be looked for.
I've got so much damn love that I am always ready to shower upon you
Can I feel a little rain?
Sometimes it gets lonesome in this world of comicbook panels and word bubbles....
Sometimes I can see your thought balloons.
Sometimes doesn't the thought of me make your lips curl into a smile?
Wouldn't a smile feel nice right now?
I'm a Jedi with no saber
A boy wonder with no cape
Like Scooby with no Mystery Machine.



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In my final strech of employment with The Sharper Image this week.... Feeling very shell shocked about losing both jobs in 24 hours. Friday was a very strange day. I was ok with getting laid off from Borders when I came into The Sharper Image. I figured that my ball busting hard work there would pay off and get me a good permenant job.
I WAS WRONG.
Around noon I was asked into the boss's office.... there I was informed that there was a company wide hiring freeze and that I had only one more week to work. This bomb came as a total shock - I fully believed they were going to keep me. Suddenly any security I've allowed myself to feel has been yolked away.
I had made a plan to hang out with a boy named Blue... we went to see "A Very Long Engagement".... it was nice.... he is cute and sweet and he smelled really good..... but I don't think he was feeling me...
The rest of the weekend was a blur of sleep and wandering around SF by myself or with Padme.... searching for something I don't know I'll ever find.

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I got laid off from both my jobs today.....
Er... Borders was last night..... Sharper Image today....
This is not good.
Granted, Kevin's new employment make is less of a blow.... but..... God!!!
I have busted my ass and it all came falling down.
Must not get myself in a panic..... but I am in a panic.
My head is throbbing and I feel dizzy....
Overwhelming urge to crawl under the bed and cry....

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NOT COOL MOTHER FUCKER!

So.... I got a pint of Marble Slab ice cream the other day.... Banana with berrys mixed in.... and I shared it with Kevin..... I was nice.... "Have half, but don't fucking touch mine." I said very clearly. Now, I have been all feverish all week.... working days at The Sharper Image and called out of Borders both Tuesday and Wed night..... So, last night I go for my ice cream and it's gone. The fucking jerk ate it anyway.... I could have killed him...... this came only an hour after learning that he had gone into my wallet and taken money out.... but he checked to make sure I could afford it.

NOT COOL MOTHER FUCKER!!

So, I didn't have my ice cream that I was saving for this weeks episode of "Lost".

I sat down, totally mad and bummed as the episode began.... it was about Locke, Boone and Shannon.... ( I prefer Charlie focused episodes because Dominic Monaghan makes me swoon)... and it was a pretty good episode.... Shannon and Boone are tied up by Locke in the jungle and the "creature" goes after them... Shannon is seen being lifted off her feet, flailing and screaming..... minutes later Boone finds his sister dead in a stream, bloody and broken..... he then goes after Locke ..... only to find out that.................... He was tripping on some shit Locke made out of roots and berrys ..... shannon was never in the jungle..... Total let down....

NOT COOL MOTHER FUCKER!!

This week has been kinda like that. Not cool in uncool ways. Just Blah. Fighting off a fever and having to work.... then feeling like I'm in trouble for not going to Borders.... kevin feeling entitled to my food and money now that he is working.

CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!

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POOR PADME DOG.... ALL ALONE

Today is Padme's first day alone without one of her Dads there to keep her company. She has had one or both of us there with her for the past year and a half....but we're both employed now. She looked so sad and confused this morning when I got up... Kevin was already gone.... I took her for a hasty potty walk and then scooted her back inside.... she looked back over her shoulder at me, expecting me to come on inside with her - but I had to close the door on her. It made me sad.....

I love that dog more than I love my comic books..... She is just such a sweet soul. She is my girl. I'm totally devoted to her..... and she is probably the sole reason Kevin and I bothered maintaining a friendship after the breakup. Neither of us would ever be able to deal with life without Padme.

Last night in the middle of the night a cat was on the fence outside the bedroom window.... it tried to jump in but the window was closed. We heard a loud THUNK followed by a yelp from the cat as it fell some 15 ft to the ground..... Padme stood on the bed looking out the window for a good 30 minutes...... she is a classic dog in her searing hate for felines of all kind.

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DREAMING..........

Last night I had one of the most disturbing dreams of recent memory.... It seems funny as I try to collect the bits I recall into something that can be described... but it really wasn't funny..........

I am in this huge mansion with Jen and Chris Thile... we're making smores and having fun. Suddenly I notice the secret service coming inside and I'm totally filled with this feeling of guilt and shame.

"He wants to see you." One of the agents tells me as he takes me from the room. Jen is smiling and making food with Chris... they wave goodbye to me.... I get taken to a room where Ronald Reagan is waiting.... he somehow has something on me and I'm being blackmailed.... so he grabs me and starts kiss me.... I'm completely repulsed but unable to move because I am aware that the Secret Service has guns pointed at me....

So next I'm taken to a table and forced to eat a horrible breakfast with him.... raw eggs and uncooked bacon.... and I realize that this man is complete and utter evil.... and that Jen and Chris are in this mansion and thus are not safe....

I make a run for it and I get Jen and Chris out of the mansion.... we end up in this kinda mini cooper type car.... and we're trying to get away...... suddenly the road turns to quicksand and the car starts to sink. I get out and start sinking into the blacktop while trying to pull the car out..... suddenly Ronald and Nancy Reagan are there, gently coaxing Jen and Chris to get in their car..... I try to scream to let them know of the danger and I sink deeper.... my mouth covered by the blacktop....

END OF DREAM SEQUENCE

What the hell does that mean?? Jen, be wary of Republicans!!!!

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PIGS HAVE FLOWN AND HELL HAS FROZEN OVER!!!!!

Just got an email from Kevin.... one I was not expecting.... one that has given me a huge surge of joy and relief.....


Well, my glory days of bon-bons and Oprah have come to an unavoidable end.

I re-enter the realm of the (semi)respectable tomorrow at 3:30PM. The position is full time; "Guest Service Associate" for the Argonaut Hotel at Fisherman's Wharf. The starting pay is $13/hr. I will have full medical benefits 91 days from now. If you are still without insurance then, I'll make like we're fucking and inquire about D.P. benefits. I just took a quick peek at the benefits section of Kimpton's website. Oddly, the only D.P. benefits it mentions would apply to my other D.P. (they offer a "New Pet Care Program.")

The Argonaut is part of the Kimpton portfolio of hotels, Kimpton has stylish boutique hotels in most every U.S. city (and the only Canadian city) that I'm likely to ever visit or relocate to. (list below)

A modest "Hurray for Kevin!" is called for, along with a mighty shout of "Hurray for Eric!"

Thanks for carrying me. Thanks for not killing me in my sleep. Thanks for never using the term "Lousy Good-For-Nothing" in my presence.


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Here is how it began....
"Can you drop me at the Mint? I think I want a drink before bed."
Too many drunk straight people.... they've taken over my bar....singing badly.... so bad!
I should go see Ben's new apartment.
Ohhh.... my belly.
Still feels like there is something alien in there....
Chezch rock gut drink.... (where did Bed find that stuff? Why did we drink it?)
Having sex.... "Oh, excuse me, I think I am going to vomit. Please don't take this the wrong way."
Head in a strange toilet... Chugging a stranger's mouthwash...
Back in Ben's bed.... ("Ok we can finish.... just remember I'm feeling seasick.")
Woke up.... didn't know where I was..... wanted to be home....
Trip out to Borders.... I think I was farting really loudly as I listened to a CD on a listening station.....
.... Marble slab Ice Cream doing nothing to settle my stomach.....
Home again....(Sunday almost over.... what a waste)
Dog Cuddles....
Buffy DVDs.....
Afternoon blackout....
( Why do I smell like B.O.?)
Horrible frozen dinner....
Few glasses of white wine....
Back in bed....
My belly feels like there is an alien in there.....
Chezch Rock Gut Drink.....
Ben, Where did you get that shit?!?
Why did We drink it?!?!


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AN OPEN LETTER OF APOLOGY

To whom it may concern.... (and there are a few of you)

I am sorry that I have not been myself of late. 2004 was a hard year, filled with change and challenge... I have not adjusted as well as I'd like to. I faced my demons and fought my way back from the edge of death. If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be drug free and employed.... Working as hard as I am.... I'd have laughed. Somehow deep down I believe that I was aware of the fact that I was committing slow suicide.... And then one moment of clarity saved me.

Everything about the world seems different now. The way my brain works is not the same... I am not sure of anything that I once believed. My world is filled with doubt... most of it is self doubt. I still see myself in a very ugly light. There are scars from this I will always wear and some that will heal in time. I can't help but feel like I am toxic. I can't help but feel like I am worthless.... all I can do is try, try and try to regain my self-respect and the respect of the people I love.

I ask that you be patient with me. Understand that I am learning how to live life in a completely different way... I am working so hard everyday not to become overwhelmed... I am going to have setbacks... I may offend... but I am going to strive to be better....

Please have patience with me as I would do the same for you.

Much regret and more Love...

Eric

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I am an emotional mess. I am feeling things too deeply. My emotions are jacked up to 11 and it's making me (more) insane (than usual). When I was hanging out with Jen, Josh and Ryan last week I was happy..... but seemingly too happy.... I was going a mile a minute. I felt snubbed by not being invited to Ani Defranco and it hurt me more than something that minor should have. Like having a swift kick to the gut....
I just don't feel "well" anymore.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Not in San Francisco.... Not in New York.
I feel like a shadow of a person. Only myself in my head.... living a life I do my best to detach from while at the same time desperate for connection. This just doesn't feel right.... Like I'm trying to fit into a shoe that no longer fits.... And there is nobody there to comfort me when I cry myself to sleep at night.
My comic books are my only oasis.... all the beautiful heros and ugly villans.....

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