I don't cry.
When I was a kid it seemed like I cried everyday. My father made me cry, my teachers, the other kids...... I felt like a fool for giving them the satisfaction of seeing my tears. It's wrong for a kid to be made to deal with so much hostility. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and hold that little boy. Take some of the pain away. But I can't and my memories will always be of that little guy crying himself to sleep.
Somewhere along the way I decided that enough was enough. No more tears. It made me weak and that was something I could not afford to be. So I learned to condition away the urge to cry. All it really took was a deep breath and a healthy dose of spite. I would mentally poison whoever it was that hurt me - Store away the feeling for a time I could use it as a weapon against the bastards.
That must have been around the time I was 13 or 14.
I am 28 now and I am unable to cry.
Sure, I can pour out some tears every single time I see ET.... I can handle crying in response to another person's grief. But for me? Never. Eric doesn't cry. I bottle up. I talk. I dress one issue up to look like another, mask one feeling for another...... however I have to shift the focus away from that need to release.
Sometimes, like tonight, I desperately need to cry.
But there are no tears.
There is no release.
Might as well jerk off.

TOP TEN BEST SIMPSONS EPISODES

1. Hungry Hungry Homer - homer goes on a hunger strike to prove the Isotopes are moving to Albequerque
2. Children Of A Lesser Clod - Homer opens a daycare center
3.Lisa's Substitute - The note which reads "You are Lisa Simpson" always chokes me up
4 The Simpsons get a Tennis Court
5. Kill The Gator and Run
6. This Little Wiggy
7.Radioactive Man movie
8.Milhouse's parents divorce
9.Lard Of The Dance (Ewwww! DMY!!!)
10. Return of the Vegas Wives.

People think I make this shit up.... or that I get off on being someone that attracts negative shit. That is quite untrue. So, let me run over the scene as I see it now.

Cheryl killed 3 people while driving a truck under the influence of speed. From what I understand she was to turn herself in back in Jan. but declined. She was coming here for a while but now the heat is on and the cops keep showing up, This little turn of events has got me and Jess in a tizzy because we don't know what this means for us.
Jessica has one foot out the door over this living situation.
Last week 3 year old Lydia got up at 3am - didn't know where Jess had gone so she put on her coat and went out the dog door, through the basement and out the front onto the street..... walked to Cala because she thought mom was getting food - Thank God the cops picked her up and she knew how to get them back to the house.
SO................ Jess is looking for a change............ but she told me it was so Lydia could have her own room..... but then I hear her on the phone telling someone she is going to move into a 2 bedroom with another friend of hers.

Looks like the time at 432 Eureka is wrapping up,

No job.... no cash..... maybe no home......
Might be time to leave SF but I have no where to go.
Home just isn't really an option and nobody I talk to really understand that.

........ but I have to ride it all out now. My heart is heavy, my body weak.
Can't imagine I'll be able to get up if I'm beaten down again,
I remember having faith in the world.
Wyatt died and a slow leak formed.

Yet still, the eternal dingbat refuses to let go of the fact that I WANT it to be a world I can have faith in.
I want to believe that this period will end and I will be truely able to laugh again.
That a kiss can be more than currency.

WWBD - Thanks for the chat Posh!

One of my roommates killed 3 people because she was high as a kite of speed and driving like a madwoman.
She is running from the law now and because of that I am losing my other roommate, who just wants to be clear of the scene. Nobody has even bothered to be direct with me about it.

Last Friday I sang my first solo with the chorus. We did a cabaret style show.... not a formal chorus concert. I sang "Shadowboxer"..... it went well enough that I am not embarrassed to show my face at the LGBT Center.... but as my life pattern goes, nothing good comes without something bad. I ended up with a bad chest cold/sinus leak. That made it painful to sing.... but like the trooper I am I just went out there and belted it out. It was on the last note of the song that I felt a ripping sensation in my throat - Blew my voice right out! BUT.... I made it through the song. It would have been bad if it had happened on the first note.

Scott came in from Portland to see the show. Same old Scott. Love him to death for coming to see me sing.

I watched the Gilmore Girls and cried. The episode was Loralli melting down and Rory melting down, each unable to connect with the other. At the end each had a scene where they broke down and admitted that they are failing. And I was right there with them. My life is in the toilet and I have run out of ideas or options. I can't find a job. Nothing is working out. I am out of money. My pal/roommate is moving out and I don't know what that will mean for me. It's all falling apart and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no last minute save. This is it. This is my life. Broke, isolated, scared and, frankly, unable to keep fighting.
I wish I could blink out of existance.

Strange the ways of the world.
Spoke with Dad for the first time in months. I will not be shocked if the man kills himself. He is more lost now than he has ever been. The mistakes of his life haunt him and break him... he seems to live in a world of regrets.... and he has no energy or will to change. The way we mirror one another is a truely haunting phenom. My mother used to call us "Bookends" because we would sit at opposite ends of the couch watching TV with the same posture, expression and aura..... and here we are seperated by 3000 miles and many years of silence, yet very much in the same boat.
I don't know how to feel right now. I am not sad, I am not mad..... there is a bit of pity but I am unsure if that is for me or him.
Please god, don't let me be watching my life unfold before my eyes.

Why is it that the first time you don't screw someone you're screwing it gets weird?
My friend Steve was here today working on Shadowboxer with me.... and I'm just tired and too short tempered to have sex (the way I have it with him anyway.) But he got that wounded look on his face as I showed him to the door. I feel bad.
Been unable to shake the depressive state of mind.
This morning I went out for a smoke at about 5:30am... and locked myself out. I started beating myself up over it.... always making little fuck ups that I should have been able to avoid. So I sat out in the rain for a while before banging on the door and having Jess let me in. I waited for about 2 hours.
As I sat there soaking in my dispair these people come up on the steps.... (now mind you, it's 5:45am) and silently crossed themselves and prayed, heads bowed towards the house, hands to the sky. I felt like I had slipped into a bubble where the rest of the world was in slow motion and I was on fast forward.... Somehow I didn't even notice their features..... I was lost in the concept that these two people had stopped to pray on my house. It felt odd and there was a voice whispering sneers in my head..... I wanted to mock them..... but there was a part of me that felt thankful... even hopeful that God would give me a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card..... and I felt sad that I don't feel a spiritual connection because I don't consider myself worthy.
I look around at who I spend my time with or what I spend my time doing..... and I see that I have created a world for myself based on my self loathing. The void of death poisoned my whole spirit..... I see it. My brain is used to producing chemicals to keep me in this fog,
..................So what I am thinking is that I can change it back