I came very close to not going to chorus last night - which would have made 3 weeks in a row. I was tired from all the stress I'm under and wanted to sleep.... but something made me go. Of course, it was worth it. I felt so much better after opening up and singing. Thats my natural high.
Mom and I spoke today. She thinks things are going to start to get better for me. She has a feeling. In my experence with Carol, I've come to realize that her
"feelings" usually are dead on. It's been a while since we've spoken and she had some ka-nol-ege to kick at me.... MAMA WAS DROPPIN SCIENCE LIKE GALLELEO DROPED THE APPLES, YO!...... She asked me where I would go if she was dead.... what would I do?
I'm going to ponder that while I listen to Rufus Wainwright.

There are decisions to be made that can not be put off much longer.
No choice will be the right one.
I moved to SF 3 years ago and despite the odds I did ok for myself, but now I can't seem to correct the flaws.
Friends I would walk through hell for turn a blind eye to my troubles and I realize that I don't rank very high on anyone's list.
This has become a lonesome existance - I retreat into my comic books and music,
Here..... listen to these songs

HEART - DREAMBOAT ANNIE
BRITNEY - TOXIC
ELO - LIVING THING
RADIOHEAD - PARANOID ANDROID
THE BEATLES - CRY BABY CRY
DEPECHE MODE - ENJOY THE SILENCE
AIMEE MANN - FRANKENSTEIN
LAMB - LUSTY
INDIGO GIRLS - SECURE YOURSELF
PROCOL HERUM - LIGHTER SHADE OF PALE
ROBBIE WILLIAMS - SEXED UP

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels have left me stranded.
It was worth it.... feeling abandoned.
Makes one harden..... but.....
What is happening to love?"

I am lost.
Nothing is right.
Lost my home and a few thousand bucks in Cheryl's games.... I went to the eviction defence collective yesterday and they told me I had no way of keeping the apartment unless I named myself in the suit.... which would make me responsible for all the back rent if the case didn't come out in my favor. So this really nice kid is going over this info with me and I just felt my eyes watering.... hands shake..... I lost it...... because Cheryl ain't going to pay me back and I have no place to go.
Jess and I talked and decided we'll sell off her shit but Jess is laying claim to things left and right that need to be included in the sum total we can get for all Cheryls things..... she doesn't agree and is being really stand-offish. I don't think she understands that I have nobody who can or will help me and I don't have a kid to help me sponge off the government.
I worked my first shift and the Nob Hill today.
Cleaning dried cum off walls at 9am isn't fun. Takes a lot of elbow grease (and not the lube).....
Tomorrow I go back and learn to run the lights/DJ booth.
They said the other day it'd be a 26 hour a week job then today I find I'll be getting 16 hours. Now I am thinking about dancing on a stand by basis. Sure, I'd get molested by old men and shit but I've been doing that since I was 3 so I can disconnect.......( ok-bad joke)...... the thing is.... I can't leave SF while down for the count. I fear that if I do I will never have the balls to take a chance again.

I am so lost. I am so scared.
Where is the love I put out there going and why isn't it coming back to me?
I'm checking out for a while.
The air will do me good.

Yes, it's been a while.
My life has not been something I've wanted to write about.

The living situation is a mess. We got served with an eviction notice last week. The story is kinda hard to sort out so.... here is what I can gather..... Cheryl didn't pay the rent so that she could use the money for her lawyer. She killed a few people while driving on speed and was on the lam. During that time she collected rent from me and Jess, then used it on a lawyer. Now, because this place is rent controled ($1200 for a huge flat) the landlord wants us out. Jess and I are working out what to do. Cheryl (who has the lease) is once again MIA. We both plan on squatting for a few months if need be (because it takes 60-90 days before they can come in and remove us by force.

I finally got a job today, working the door at the Nob Hill Theater.
NAKED MEN! NAKED MEN! NAKED MEN!
......uh, no.
It's not a glamour job but it will pay the bills for a little while.

Finally realizing that we're all kinda fucked at the moment.
Jen and I have to have a good long talk..... saw her for a little while Sunday. Love her more now than I did that day in the UHAUL. Sometimes I don't know the way to be around her when I am low because she is so giving of her compassion.... and she LISTENS when people talk. That has a way of making me hear what I am saying...... but sometimes I want to protect her from the shadows that I cast.

Really pissed at the following people
KEVIN - Lost his job (not his fault really....but still could have been avoided)
TIM - For the 3rd time in as many years he has gotten me all amped for him to move here and once again he bails)

Really Miss the following people
JOSH - So many things just aren't as fun or interesting without him
SARAH - She just seemd to vaporize. Never gone 2 years without seeing her.
My FAMILY - Family. You know how it is,

TV SHOW YOU NEED TO WATCH = VH1's THE BEST WEEK EVER! - best show on tv right now.

Ok - back to whatever you should be doing! I love you.