Got home from "Return of the King" a little while ago. It's late and I'm tired but I get the feeling if I don't write I'll lose these thoughts forever. The movie left me very introspective. I was thinking about where I was 2 years ago when I saw "Fellowship" and where I am now. What has happened during that time has been mirrored in some way on the screen. I wept openly several times during the movie. Feelings surged through me.... I thought about the grief I have been carrying with me..... much like the ring, it has corrupted me and decieved me into thinking I needed it. I know it's time to throw the ring into the fire.
Sam..... I am so connected with this character. Willing to walk to the fires of Mount Doom with my loved ones.... willing to carry them if they can't make it. So often turned on or overlooked......... But never wavering in my love and loyalty.
So, I'm working on Josh's REM CD. I fear that he will forget me when he is gone like Scott has, like Jason.... like so many people who have been special to me. I just want to be remembered, missed. I don't wanna fall through the cracks until one day I'm just someone from the past. So I am making him a collection of the best of REM, from their first album on..... they were my first band and their music was the soundtrack that bridged youth and adulthood. I hope he feels the connection.
I fear that I have done something to make him uncomfortable. The night he was to couch surf on my turf he bailed..... Being a freak I wonder if it has something to do with me. Seems like many of my relationships are in strange places at the moment. Sometimes I wonder why people seem to take me at arms length. Jeremy pointed out that I had a clingy side so I corrected it......... still.............
Rene and I have drifted into the uncomfortable zone, Iz, Jeremy and David too. Scott is gone and never bothers to reply to emails. Corbett just sent an email to cut me off..... Seems like Jen and Jessica are the only people I'll have around this time next month.
I don't know..... now I'm just losing myself in a flood of regrets and memory.
Time for bed.
I always have time for you.