Can't sleep.
Don't even try anymore when I get like this. Scared to lay in the dark and quiet because that's when my brain shines up all the thoughts I work so hard to repress. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is for me or against...... Not that it'd matter because it's been like this as long as I can remember. One of the things I remember most about being a little boy was that before sleep I would worry that someday I would be buried alive. I would imagine my grave and people walking on it - being able to hear the footsteps. At 4 years old I had no real problems, so why did I create this thing to freak out about? No, not freak out. I never shared this before. It was just a private anxiety.
24 years later I lay in bed thinking "Why did I get myself fired." When is the shit going to hit the old fan? It always seems to. I think about Jason..... wonder why he has stopped emailing me. Do I send the CD's like I said I would? Is that making me a chump?? Why did he have to come into my life and then leave? I think about my drug habits and when will I get over them. Will I ever quit smoking? Will I see a day when I don't crave speed? Will I stay strong or will I fall into it harder than ever? Should I leave S.F. and start over. free of drug dealing friends who seem to never let me forget what they have to offer? Would my dog miss me??
This is just a sample of what happens when I lay awake in the dark.
It's like falling though a big void.
Why can't I think of the happy, good things when I rest?