Today was not that good.

I woke up after sleeping no more than 3 hours. Really bummed last night and couldn't stop the thinking.

Yeah, I'm going to offer Jason my friendship and I will expect nothing in return. What else can I do? I love him and my loyal heart diesn't let go easily. If he does come back I should consider it a gift to be able to see him. He is special to me in ways that scare me...... and I am SWELL to him....... Josh was going to spend the night and kick it with me but he ended up going on a date. We went to the mint for an hour or so and that was cool.... just bummed me out that he left. Time is running out on the time we can hang and I guess I felt like the date cheated me out of something, though what I don't know..... Hope he got laid though. Would make one of us...... Having people I care about come and go and go and go makes me hurt because I love my people.

I got a letter in the mail informing me that I am not going to get unemployment money because of the bastards I was working for told a different story. They said I could file an appeal but why bother? I'll just go back to work, even though my refocus time has been blown by Jess's mother who just never shuts the fuck up. Talks to herself all damn day...... when is she leaving? Whenever she decides to - and I have gotten the vibe to just suck it up because Jess isn't talking to me about it.

I have to wonder what I have done to be cursed with this kinda luck. I am starting to give up hope that life will ever be anything but constant letdowns, fuckovers and heartbreaks. No matter how small the thing that I'm happy for or excited about..... if I really allow myself to expect good, I get shit. People must think I make this shit up but I don't. I don't even tell people half of it.

I have never been lucky, popular or the winner.... yet I have always kept the hope alive that one day things would change and it'd all fall into place. I believe in the goodness of humanity.... I want to trust you before I distrust.... but lately that has become more and more difficult. It scares me that I may lose the aspect of myself I am most proud of. It feels out of my control yet I refuse to stop resisting bitterness.

I need to contact my loved ones and let them know I need all the positive vibes I can get. Maybe a few good luck charms or trinkets to ward off bad omens. Maybe I can slip away from the bad luck by changing my name to a symbol, like Prince.