Monday morning at work...... Downtown San Francisco, 24th floor. Absolute madness.

My job is something I try not to think about once I go home at 3pm. What I do is work for a managed care insurance company, in the mental health side. I take calls from people who don't know who to talk to or who have been bounced around in the phone system...... mind you, these are people who are in mental distress to begin with..... many time I get the brunt of their anger in harsh waves of yells, threats and tears. It's a drain on me both emotionally and physically...... I hear horror stories from people that make me want to cry. All I can do is try to put it aside when I go home but I fear that I am storing it inside my psyche...... Today has been one of those days...... been hell on wheels..... I'd love to quit but the stress of the job coupled with other stress issues has led to me becoming anemic..... so I really need my medical coverage..... OTHERWISE I'D BE MAKING PORN!!

I've been thinking a lot about things..... hyper aware of what narcotics have done to me as a person. There are changes I will never be able to correct. From my first use with Wyatt right through the last time I did drugs, it's always been a tool to try filling the hole in my heart. But I know that it's not drugs I need. It's love. Yet love is something I've failed at ( or it's failed me ). I have made a fool out of myself lately by making thinly veiled passes at a couple of my boys..... not from desire to upgrade the friendship.... just out of need to be touched by someone I can trust. Sometimes I feel very alone in life and become desperate for a tangible connection.

Does anyone understand or am I dreaming these feelings? Am I talking to a wall?
erockskywalker@yahoo.com