I feel like I'm dreaming yet know I'm awake. Just can't seem to wake up. Have not been sleeping that well lately. There is shit going on in my life that has begun to wear me down both mentally and physically. Some of the issues are out of my control and I know that I need to ride it out.... some of them are very much my doing and I need to face the music on those.

Let me tell you a little story from my past

I never had conflict regarding my sexuality. I knew I was gay much earlier than most people and because of the childhood I had I was very adept at rolling with things - I didn't want to beat myself up over anything when I had so many other people who treated me like shit....
Wyatt was one of the first people I remember being attracted to. We became friends quickly - there was a connection, an understanding between us that went beyond this life. We'd been together many times in many lifetimes I think. I fell in love with him despite his being straight. It was me and him.
As we grew out of teens we got into some messy shit. Started with heroin..... I didn't wanna get hooked so I kinda pulled away from him..... I couldn't do it though. I loved him and couldn't turn my back. Heroin turned to coke, coke to speed. Timelines blur for me but I did end up pulling away from him when he got a girl knocked up. She was an evil bitch and he was not going to clean up. I didn't want to see what this would do to a kid.
I end up in SanFrancisco a few years later and played phone tag with Wyatt. We never connected and 10 months to the day since I'd last seen him he was killed by a drunk driver in the middle of the night. He was alone, speed addiction had isolated him from friends and family and I had no idea how bad it'd been.
Within weeks I developed a speed habbit.

So, here I sit.... almost two years after his death..... always scared that those I love will be lost. At times I think Wyatt's demons claimed me - other times I wonder if it's easier to isolate myself than risk the pain of losing another loved one.
Every time I feel something more than sexual attraction for a guy in the last 2 years they leave the city. Scott to Portland, Jason to Amsterdam.
This is what haunts me every day. This is why I want to cry all the time.