CIRCLES AND CYCLES

I was walking from one of my work sites to the other this morning and my headphones crapped out on me. Normally I can go into a zone with my music... move around the city in a daze, not really thinking anything too deep. Just another body travelling from point A to B.... It's kinda like running on autopilot.

Without the headphones I got to thinking...... about friends, both current and past. Thinking about how we form these little support groups of like minded folks who mean so much to us. The talks, the adventures.... it all seems so ment to be..... until it breaks. And they always seem to break, don't they?

I thought about this group I was connected to for about 2 months, back when I was about 20.... They were fucking wild.... we blew lines of coke off eachother's bellys. We staged a Bed-in... pushing 2 king sized beds together and watching Lifetime made for TV movies for 2 days, drinking and smoking....

I thought about the Highschool group....(which is always the one you think will last forever thanks to the ending of "Grease") and how when we randomly bump into one another it's as alkward as showing a stranger a back pimple.

These days I don't really feel like I am part of a group like that. I feel very much a fringe member of my group. I am included in some outings... but it's not like the old times.... when I had friends that called me everyday.... or that I called.

It's not that I don't feel loved. I totally believe Jen and Josh love me and I believe that Ryan and Jessica consider me a good guy, if not friend.....

Sometimes I think it's me.... not wanting to get too close..... fearful of the hurt that will come when I get the fade..... other times I think that it's that I just don't fit in..... that I don't bring to the table what I think that I do..... I hate that I feel B-List.

It's odd though.... and it fits with my last post. Maybe I'm just too old for this shit. Maybe, like my parents, I am moving into that section of life where friendships take a backseat to............... just getting yourself through the day.

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