Last Friday I sang my first solo with the chorus. We did a cabaret style show.... not a formal chorus concert. I sang "Shadowboxer"..... it went well enough that I am not embarrassed to show my face at the LGBT Center.... but as my life pattern goes, nothing good comes without something bad. I ended up with a bad chest cold/sinus leak. That made it painful to sing.... but like the trooper I am I just went out there and belted it out. It was on the last note of the song that I felt a ripping sensation in my throat - Blew my voice right out! BUT.... I made it through the song. It would have been bad if it had happened on the first note.

Scott came in from Portland to see the show. Same old Scott. Love him to death for coming to see me sing.

I watched the Gilmore Girls and cried. The episode was Loralli melting down and Rory melting down, each unable to connect with the other. At the end each had a scene where they broke down and admitted that they are failing. And I was right there with them. My life is in the toilet and I have run out of ideas or options. I can't find a job. Nothing is working out. I am out of money. My pal/roommate is moving out and I don't know what that will mean for me. It's all falling apart and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no last minute save. This is it. This is my life. Broke, isolated, scared and, frankly, unable to keep fighting.
I wish I could blink out of existance.