Why is it that the first time you don't screw someone you're screwing it gets weird?
My friend Steve was here today working on Shadowboxer with me.... and I'm just tired and too short tempered to have sex (the way I have it with him anyway.) But he got that wounded look on his face as I showed him to the door. I feel bad.
Been unable to shake the depressive state of mind.
This morning I went out for a smoke at about 5:30am... and locked myself out. I started beating myself up over it.... always making little fuck ups that I should have been able to avoid. So I sat out in the rain for a while before banging on the door and having Jess let me in. I waited for about 2 hours.
As I sat there soaking in my dispair these people come up on the steps.... (now mind you, it's 5:45am) and silently crossed themselves and prayed, heads bowed towards the house, hands to the sky. I felt like I had slipped into a bubble where the rest of the world was in slow motion and I was on fast forward.... Somehow I didn't even notice their features..... I was lost in the concept that these two people had stopped to pray on my house. It felt odd and there was a voice whispering sneers in my head..... I wanted to mock them..... but there was a part of me that felt thankful... even hopeful that God would give me a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card..... and I felt sad that I don't feel a spiritual connection because I don't consider myself worthy.
I look around at who I spend my time with or what I spend my time doing..... and I see that I have created a world for myself based on my self loathing. The void of death poisoned my whole spirit..... I see it. My brain is used to producing chemicals to keep me in this fog,
..................So what I am thinking is that I can change it back