Where to begin........?

FIRST - because the pieces all just fell into place..... I haven't heard from Sebastian since he left. I have a faint memory of his being on my computer before he left. Could it be he broke into my BLOG and read what I wrote as he slept? Chances are this is why he's been ignoring me.... though I only emailed twice and both said the same thing.
Here we have a sweet, handsome, smart guy.... who I do like. Very much. More than I should right now..... and I know I'm poison to a person like him. If he and I were in a relationship I know I would chip away at him and break him down.... I know I would sleep around.... I know I would build up resentment that he could care for me and resent feeling responsible for his feelings. The damn fact that I know this makes me feel worse about it. Here.... it's like this moment from Strangers With Candy....

(Jerri hooked up to a lie detector with a red lightbulb for lie and green for truth)

MR.NOBLETT - Jerri, if you could be one animal what would you be?

(Jerri covers the red light)

JERRI - Kitten (red light is visable) .........snake.

I am not proud of myself for knowing that what I am. I just know.
So I feel really badly for being rude and I feel bad for not asking him to go home and I feel REALLY bad that he feels bad..... But I am not able or willing to pretend I'm in a good mood when I am not.

The story becomes clearer when you least expect it......The dots all connected in one fell swoop. And so now lets look at

1/13/2004 THE BOYS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING

I am a loving guy. I love my friends, I love dogs, I love good movies, I love Fiona Apple, I love the smell of laundymats. Nobody can accuse me of holding back in the love department. But nothing is like the love I have had for a small elite group.
I have loved six men so deeply that I would die for them. Each different from the other. Each changed me in our time.
WYATT, TIM, KEVIN, SCOTT, JOSH, JASON.
The love I feel for each of them is everlasting and pure with a shot of poison to boot.
So along rolls 1/13/04. A day in which I had to say goodbye to three of them.

Wyatt was killed 1/13/02. He was crossing the street and was hit by a drunk driver. He died alone. He died in pain. He died without me there to hold his hand and kiss him goodbye. It has been two years and I swear that my soul still cries for him. I really believe I would have hung myself in the garage of my mom's house by the age of 18 had it not been for Wyatt. He came to my rescue. There was no way for me to return the favor. I think of him everyday at least 100 times. He is my soul brother and he is gone. I am never going to be whole again.

Jason came along late in the summer of 2003. He charmed me. He calmed the beast that rampages in my mind. The day I was going to confess all this and more to him was the day he announced that he was moving to Holland. My heart broke - yet I remained calm and made excuses for myself when the cracks in my emotional walls began to show.......... I was skeptical when I learned he would be coming back to San Francisco for a week in January.... but he did indeed come back for a week. We spent some time together and once again I was blanketed in warm calm. He slept in my bed a few nights - one night I woke and rubbed his back as he slept.... love at my fingertips. I would live in that moment forever. And in a repeat of October 10th, it was January 13th 2004 that he once again left me with fleeting memorys of how life could have been had life been kind.

January 13th 2003 would have gone down in history as a day that tested the limits of my heart with these two events..... but things come in 3s and so Josh left for New Orleans. Fresh tears flow as I type this out..... Josh is a boy I love in a way that is more precious than any of my loves. Josh and I see the world through the same tinted sunglasses. Josh is someone who made me feel sane during the insane moments because I know he is feeling things on the same level. I wanted to shower him with love and keep his heart safe. Maybe I fell in love with Josh over a drunken night at the Mint..... more likely I just loved the ease of our interaction. But he pulled away from that - I think because he assumed my affection was sexual or something..... But he is gone and before he left he ignored me .... and here I am soaking in quiet tears..... because yet another man I love has walked off the stage ................ on 1/13/04

How many times can a person get back up after an emotional beating?
What man would allow himself to be placed in the path of such pain and anguish?
Can you see now why I am the way I am?
Can someone please tell me what to do to keep my soul from turning to stone?
EROCKSKYWALKER@YAHOO.COM