Things are so fucked up. I feel like a madman because the past week has been a strange mix of good and bad. I have not had any luck finding a job and I have begun to feel like a failure. Partly because I am not in a good headspace - which is making doing anything a chore - partly because I know that I am to blame for it. I have problems I don't even want to admit to. The weakness I have shown is counteracting everything I have done that made me proud of myself. The level of self loathing brewing is alarming. I don't see a hot, witty, charming guy in the mirror. I see a scared, weak fool who is too freaked out to retake control of himself.
Then Jason shows up and the old feelings come back. The feeling of calm he allows me to feel. He slept here last night and I pressed up close to him and fell into sleep so peacefully, the last thought wasn't a negative insult or anxious nagging..... it was "this is nice." It's been too long since I have felt that. I'd bet I had a hint of a smile as I slept.
I think that is one of the reasons I have been unable to divorce myself from meth..... the dreadful images and thoughts that plague my mind when it's not focused on something. Sleep can be one of the most horrible times for me. And I have thoughts that are like weeds..... they take root and spread into waking hours.... making me that much more unhappy and disgusted with myself.]