THE ADVENTURES OF A HALF COCKED SUCKER

2007-07-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

WHAT A BAD BLOGGER!!This is my first post in almost a year.Guess I'm just not that interested in myself or what I do.In a nutshell...... I have left my job at Sharper Image, got a new one. Went to Portland, realized I'll always love Scott. Chose not to do anything about it.If there is anyone out there..... I'm lost.Feeling like I'm falling through space.Don't think I'm on the right track but I

2006-06-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

My mind is not on the present.I am still in Amsterdam in my head and heart and I am thus feeling very distant from the here and now. My common sense advises that I snap out of it but my heart wants more of the life I witnessed in Amsterdam.I wonder if I would be a fool to explore relocating to Amsterdam for a year or two (or forever). Surely the day to day life would be a much different experence

2006-05-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

(sigh) He sighs.I'm having a hard time getting into the groove today. My mind is somewhere over in Amsterdam. Thinking about my adventure has become a bittersweet passtime for me lately. It'd be fair to say I've been a bit of a bitch about readjusting to life in the states.A large part of my problem is that I find myself disliking my job more and more with each passing day. I know I deserve to be

2006-05-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

I had my "date" with Tom last night.It didn't go as well as I'd have liked it to. I guess I'd built up some expectations for the meeting and they didn't pan out. Not that it wasn't nice to see him.... it really was. He just seemed to be a bit disinterested and I was struggling to keep the conversation going.">(<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2006-05-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

I don't come around too often anymore. I should change that.I just got back from my first trip to Europe. It was an amazing two weeks. Like a short lifetime..... I went to Amsterdam to visit Jason. It'd been almost 2 years since I'd seen him and I really couldn't wait. Jason is one of my favorite people in the world. He's charming and fun. Didn't even realize how much I missed him until he walked

2006-02-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day.....I'm not going into reasons why today can suck. I'm just going to spread some love.Y'know how things come and go in waves? And how sometimes energy effects everyone around you in the same way? Well..... that's happening now.I'm watching people go through breakups. I'm watching people breakdown. Love getting lost, jobs getting lost, eviction notices on doors. Everyone

2006-02-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

Y'see..... I just find blogging on Myspace easier.... though too many people can access it. I almost forgot about this place....... looks a little dingy. Maybe needs a wipe down.Things are going. Not going bad. Not going good. Life is just kinda going and I'm carried by it's current from one day to the next.I work a lot. I work too much. My jobs have become an opression on my playfulness.... but

2005-11-10T01:44:00.000-08:00

Going on 2am. Haven't been up alone this late in a long time.I'm scared. Feeling gross. Feeling alone.Worried.Tomorrow surgury.Tomorrow pain.I've never felt the need for someone.The want, yes.Not Need.Tonight I need someone.It hurts.Mistakes. I make them.Found speed in an old box.Just a bump.What could it hurt?HA!I was an addict.I will always be an addict.Good to know, no?San Francisco is

2005-11-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

Ah.....Long time no see, huh? I've been feeling rather disinterested in the whole blog thing of late. Maybe there is just too much going on in my life.... or maybe I'm just not interested enough in myself to bother writing anything down.Likely the latter.A quick recap of the past 2 months......I've moved in with Krystal and Collin. Yay for an apartment with windows and no bad memories. It makes a

2005-09-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

OF BIRTHDAYS, SHORT APARTMENTS AND NATURAL DISASTERS..... Saturday the 27th of August I turned 30 in a beautiful way. Surrounded by friends I adore and copious amounts of alcohol. I had my party at the Mint (of course) and everyone I wanted to see came, for the most part. We drank, we sang, we had a good fuckin' time.I was profoundly moved at the turn out and the love that seemed to flow in my

2005-08-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT + BEN FOLDS"CARELESS WHISPER" duetthe is something astoudingly rightin a world wheresuch a thing can happen.And the truth is -guilty feet really have got no rhythmJen... my angel of music... (a million thanks are not enough)nobody would have gotten in the wayshe did (save Jess).Now I'm never going to dance again the way I danced with you.">(<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2005-08-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

"WHY SHOULD THE FIRE DIE" New Nickel Creek. Achingly beautiful.Fragile like me. Sad. Want an easy escape, knowing there is no such thing. One more uphill climb.Pushing myself to find something to smile about.It's going to be ok.It's going to be ok.Ok?">(<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2005-08-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

A strange little feature of the emotional landscape.I'm not trying to impress anyone anymore. I'm too fuckin' old for it.Yeah, I'm 21 days away from 30. It's freaking me the hell out and making me wanna pair down the amount of hassles and distractions in my life. It's making me look back with a growing sense of "where the fuck did I go wrong?!"...... and a higher sense of pride in the areas I've

2005-08-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

BOOGIE NIGHTS QUOTE:REED ROTHCHILD:"OK, alright, now you're talkin' above my head. I dont know this industry jargon, YP, MP.. all I know is I can not get a record contract... WE cannot get a record contract, unless I take these tapes, and granted the tapes themselves are, you-you-you, you own them OK, but the magic, that is on the tapes, that fuckin' heart and soul that we put into those tapes,

2005-08-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Math is hard..... I realize that, much like the controversial talking Barbie doll of the early 1990's, I have problems with math and can often be heard muttering "MATH IS HARD." It's not something that is a new development.... to be totally honest with you, I never passed 10th grade math. Much like Barbie (and for Simpson's fans who remember) and Malabu Stacy, I think math is hard and not

2005-07-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

"WHEN IN ROME"I gotta stop for a minute and spread the love for NICKEL CREEK.They are my favorite band.... one I discovered all on my own one night about 2 years ago while in extreme pain from a tooth ache. They hold a very special place in my heart and ears.Maybe you know them.... if you know me then you at least know of them..... maybe you've never heard them...... maybe you'll love them.Click

2005-07-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

YOU'RE SO SWEET YOU PUT HONEY OUT OF BUISNESS. Standing on the corner of Valencia and 16th st. on Tuesday night, Jessica and I were approached by a homeless guy with a copy of "The Street Sheet". Before I could turn my face away, he got in our personal space and let fly a tirade about my smirk, Jessica's beauty, my erection and pointing it in Jessica's direction ( yeah, the rhyme is intended.)

2005-07-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

This morning as I stood in the Castro Muni station my attention went from my book to a bird that had gotten down into the station. It was walking back and forth on the platform in a panic, somehow finding itself in a totally forgin environment.People kept walking by the bird with reactions ranging from indifference to malice. One woman stomped in the birds direction when it veered towards her.

2005-07-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.So many times I rush into a store, the only thing on my mind is "Get in and get out!". I don't really like to shop. I don't like to stand around in stores. Just not my bag. Most of the time when I go into a store I know just what I am there for. In, out and done in minutes flat.Today my Ipod headphones blew out (didn't know I was listening to my music so loud) and rather

2005-07-04T15:26:00.000-07:00

I am really fucking angry with the world.... with some of the people in my world and mostly my inability to take fucking charge of shit without feeling guilty.This is a Fiona song lyric.....It's summing me up pretty good........Not about loveThe early cars Already are Drawing deep breaths past my doorAnd last night's phrases Sick with lack of basisAre still writhing on my floor And it doesn't

2005-06-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

SO LONG IAN............It's painfully funny to me that the moment that I let myself fall in love with someone I become repellant to them. It's happened before and I dare say it will happen again. It happens to all of us, now doesn't it?There is something about love.... When you are the one who is in it..... it's beautiful and fragile and you wanna tend it with care, like you would a baby bird

2005-05-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

So.... don't get much online access..... my blog has suffered.I'm working for The Sharper Image again. I handle credit card reconciliations..... which means that if someone disputes a charge on their credit card I am the one who presents the evidence that states why we are entitled to the money..... or not as many cases prove to be.It's kinda scary to see how much fraud there is in buisness like

2005-04-06T12:14:00.000-07:00

Drunk dialed Ian last night..... sang SHOOP into his voicemail. I wanted him to come down to the Mint to meet Ben.... Ben's friend Lucas and I have kinda bonded. He is a nice boy. I was totally wrong about him.I gotta stop getting drunk during the work week.">(<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2005-04-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

"Look at Daddy! Daddy is making a silly face!" Shrilled loudly from a demonic dollhouse..... I looked up from the wall of Star Wars figures to see Ian looking shocked at the toy he had just touched. It only took a moment for Toys R Us to go from a fun place to a scary place where toys molested our senses and left us feeling so unclean that no soap could wash off the dirt.I am falling in love.God

2005-04-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

STOP WHISPERING, START SHOUTING! Working.Trying to learn all the in's and out's of this new/old job..... I keep thinking about Homer Simpson's quote "Everytime I learn something new it pushes something else out of my brain."I feel like I am out of my depth. This job seems daunting. Challenge is good for the character, right?So...................... I am about to go into Star Wars overload. What

2005-04-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, huh kids?I was gone for a while - busy with unemployment, boozing and brooding..... and after 6 weeks I am back where I started (The Sharper Image).They have me working on one of those split keyboards..... the kind ergonomically challenged people like.... I type 45wpm normally, now I type 4.So, I made a total asshole of myself last night and the shame won't wash off.See, I

2005-02-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

Been a pretty rough week.Today is my last day of work and I have a fever. My head and body are begging for rest but I have to keep plugging away. Sadness isn't helping me.....Why is it that after working so hard to clean up I am losing everyone I care about? The friends I love are the reason I chose to fight my addiction and be a better man..... yet they hold me at arms length. Is it not enough

2005-02-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

I checked my email yesterday and learned that my friend Chris had died of a drug overdose. He had been in jail for the past 6 months.... he got out last week.... it only took him about 7 days to kill himself.The horrible thing about speed is that you're never 100% free from the addiction. It's always there in the shadows, ready to pounce. Ready to destroy.Chris was sober while in jail. He

2005-02-14T16:04:00.000-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, BABIES!!LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!">(<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2005-02-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

Why Can't It Be A Repressed Memory? I was in 6th grade at St.Columba Catholic School. There was no playground for the students. Just a huge parking lot. They forced us to go outside after lunch regardless of the temprature.... this ment there were around 60 kids milling around with nothing to do for 30 minutes every afternoon with very little supervision. I was never popular. I was an outcast.

2005-02-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

Friday night I was invited to a party by my friend Michael. I was only going to know him.... so I debated the pros and cons of going to the party.... but I needed some fun so I went. Rene was there..... He was polite when I arrived but very "arms length".... I gave him space. After a drink and a few bowls, I sat beside him. " I really miss you" I tell him. He thanks me..... "Can we hang out

2005-02-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

The feeling that I'm on a roller coaster has me unsettled. It's been well over a year since I last rode an actual coaster. This..... This is some emotional, psychological malfunction. There is a feeling that creeps around the edge of my consciousness which is making me feel something akin to the feeling I'd have if I lost my wallet. Anxiety for anxiety's sake? Then I think of Scott.

2005-02-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

So, last night at the Mint.... This Japanise girl comes in, decked out in a pink winter coat and Hello Kitty backpack..... she was plastered when she walked in the door.... couldn't hardly keep her head up...... She looks through the book and gets really excited, yelling out to nobody in particular (with a thick accent).... "They have My favorite band! Guns and Roses!!"............ She slurrs

2005-02-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?!?!?! My job got one of those big hearts that were all over the city.... "I left my heart in San Francisco"..... the ones artists created. This one is the one that kinda looks like a big heart shaped disco ball..... It's been in the office for a few weeks. I noticed there is a huge bird shit smear on it. I pointed it out to my boss, who laughed.... That was 2

2005-02-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

CIRCLES AND CYCLES I was walking from one of my work sites to the other this morning and my headphones crapped out on me. Normally I can go into a zone with my music... move around the city in a daze, not really thinking anything too deep. Just another body travelling from point A to B.... It's kinda like running on autopilot. Without the headphones I got to thinking...... about friends, both

2005-02-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

Fighting off another cold. Actually, I think I've stopped fighting and I'm getting attacked now by germs. It's got me feeling like I'm walking underwater.... slightly disconnected. I have been thinking about the future. My life. I feel myself getting older. In the past 3 weeks I have noticed my hair is turning silver at an alarming rate. It's more silver than black to my eyes now. It betrays how

2005-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

I read something that inspires me...... "In the sky you have the light of stars, like millions of small candles, surrounded by the vast darkness of space. It is your choice.... be a candle or the darkness." "> (<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2005-01-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

Bad nights lead to bad days. Simple truth that you can't deny. Padme is going through something.... she seems depressed and anxious. When I get in bed she stands near the pillows and digs furiously. Her face is one of worry and sadness.... which is still a beautiful, cute face.... but heartbreaking. She is my dog, my baby, my best girl! The only being on this planet I have complete and utter

2005-01-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wished you could to jump through a phone and kick the person on the other end in the face? I have had that happen twice today. The joy of working in a callcenter. The first was a perky cheerful guy..... the conversation went like this.... ME: Order Processing, My name is Eric. How can I assist you? GUY: HI! Eric? ME: Yes? GUY: This is Chuck! (Long pause as I try to figure out who

2005-01-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

I am a goofy-doofy guy. Last night Ben called me and asked me to go meet him at the Mint so we could try the new Sushi joint that opened nextdoor (new managment - better food)... so I head down there around 6:00pm. This is the thing about drinking at the Mint.... I have fun. A lot of fun. The regulars know me and so there is always someone there to chat with... and my drinks are always really

2005-01-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

PUPPY PROZAC Was a very strange weekend..... Very strange. Several months ago I was sitting in the Castro, having a smoke and a cup of coffee.... up walks this kid in his early 20s. He asks me for a smoke and after I gave it to him he sits beside me. Now, I don't own the bench outside of Starbucks so I couldn't tell him to beat it.... and I have a tendency to not wanna be bothered, which

2005-01-20T10:12:00.000-08:00

Virgo 1/20/05 Never doubt that you are here for a reason. Never doubt tht in the greater scheme of things, you are a poweful soul wtih a glorious future. You will catch a glimpse of that future today and it will inspire you to do more, do better and above all, do it with the right kind of attitude Thanks to Mom for sending me my horoscope..... I lost my glasses and I feel like a huge goof.... I

2005-01-19T16:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like Annette Benning in "American Beauty" when she is trying to psych herself up for selling the house..... "I WILL SELL THIS HOUSE....TODAY!" I am walking around.... "I will get a job today!" This isn't that big of a deal.... I know that I can get work. It's the set backs that get me down and it's feeling kinda unimportant that sucks. Have you ever felt like if you vanished, nobody

2005-01-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

In my final strech of employment with The Sharper Image this week.... Feeling very shell shocked about losing both jobs in 24 hours. Friday was a very strange day. I was ok with getting laid off from Borders when I came into The Sharper Image. I figured that my ball busting hard work there would pay off and get me a good permenant job. I WAS WRONG. Around noon I was asked into the boss's office..

2005-01-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

I got laid off from both my jobs today..... Er... Borders was last night..... Sharper Image today.... This is not good. Granted, Kevin's new employment make is less of a blow.... but..... God!!! I have busted my ass and it all came falling down. Must not get myself in a panic..... but I am in a panic. My head is throbbing and I feel dizzy.... Overwhelming urge to crawl under the bed and cry....

2005-01-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

NOT COOL MOTHER FUCKER! So.... I got a pint of Marble Slab ice cream the other day.... Banana with berrys mixed in.... and I shared it with Kevin..... I was nice.... "Have half, but don't fucking touch mine." I said very clearly. Now, I have been all feverish all week.... working days at The Sharper Image and called out of Borders both Tuesday and Wed night..... So, last night I go for my ice

2005-01-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

POOR PADME DOG.... ALL ALONE Today is Padme's first day alone without one of her Dads there to keep her company. She has had one or both of us there with her for the past year and a half....but we're both employed now. She looked so sad and confused this morning when I got up... Kevin was already gone.... I took her for a hasty potty walk and then scooted her back inside.... she looked back over

2005-01-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

DREAMING.......... Last night I had one of the most disturbing dreams of recent memory.... It seems funny as I try to collect the bits I recall into something that can be described... but it really wasn't funny.......... I am in this huge mansion with Jen and Chris Thile... we're making smores and having fun. Suddenly I notice the secret service coming inside and I'm totally filled with

2005-01-10T15:17:00.000-08:00

PIGS HAVE FLOWN AND HELL HAS FROZEN OVER!!!!! Just got an email from Kevin.... one I was not expecting.... one that has given me a huge surge of joy and relief..... Well, my glory days of bon-bons and Oprah have come to an unavoidable end. I re-enter the realm of the (semi)respectable tomorrow at 3:30PM. The position is full time; "Guest Service Associate" for the Argonaut Hotel at

2005-01-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

Here is how it began.... "Can you drop me at the Mint? I think I want a drink before bed." Too many drunk straight people.... they've taken over my bar....singing badly.... so bad! I should go see Ben's new apartment. Ohhh.... my belly. Still feels like there is something alien in there.... Chezch rock gut drink.... (where did Bed find that stuff? Why did we drink it?) Having sex.... "Oh, excuse

2005-01-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

AN OPEN LETTER OF APOLOGY To whom it may concern.... (and there are a few of you)I am sorry that I have not been myself of late. 2004 was a hard year, filled with change and challenge... I have not adjusted as well as I'd like to. I faced my demons and fought my way back from the edge of death. If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be drug free and employed.... Working as hard as I am....

2005-01-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

I am an emotional mess. I am feeling things too deeply. My emotions are jacked up to 11 and it's making me (more) insane (than usual). When I was hanging out with Jen, Josh and Ryan last week I was happy..... but seemingly too happy.... I was going a mile a minute. I felt snubbed by not being invited to Ani Defranco and it hurt me more than something that minor should have. Like having a

2004-12-31T11:47:00.000-08:00

THE GOOD AND BAD........ Here is a list of the good and bad of 2004..... no real order to it. Music, movies, events, feelings.... the whole shabang.... GOOD Moving back to New York "Shadowboxer" solo at the Chorus Cabaret Getting off speed Spending time with my Mother and Step Father Reconnecting with my best friend Sarah "Spider Man 2" Nickel Creek with Jen Meeting Nickel Creek Scissor

2004-12-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

I'm fighting off a cold. Had a restless nights sleep. Was dreaming that Josh and I were trying to move a box of tennis balls up a hill and the box broke. We had to chase hundreds of balls down the street. It's an odd feeling to get frustrated in your sleep. I'm feeling this sadness that I can't put my finger on. This whole natural disaster thing has me spooked. I saw footage of the Tsunami

2004-12-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

LONG LEGS AND DOG HAIR All this rain has left puddles all over the street and sidewalk. As I walk down Spear Street I watch people haphazardly trying to navigate the street I'm suddenly overcome with a feeling that I've been blessed with long legs. I can step right over puddles with little to no effort. That makes me feel like a big (and tall) man! Wearing a black shirt today. Made a point

2004-12-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

The Christmas weekend is over...... I took Kevin to see "Phantom Of The Opera" on Friday afternoon when I got out of work. WOW!!! It was everything I had wanted it to be. A total escape from reality that I found to be just what I needed...... romantic and sad and beautiful. We followed that up with a trip to the Mint where I ended up spending almost a week's salary on booze..... only to spend

2004-12-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

MAKING BABY JESUS CRY My mother emailed me - wanted to make sure I am going to do something fun/special on Christmas. I told her that I don't have any plans or any money to go do anything..... she advised me to find something to do and to spend a little money because not having a nice day on Christmas will make Baby Jesus cry. "> (<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2004-12-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

Three names you go by: Eric Geek (my sister's name for me) Notherone Dad (my dog's name for me) Three things you like about yourself: My ability to sing My Eyes My sense of humor Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: My Greg Brady hair My horrible teeth My inability to deal with stress Parts of your heritage: Irish with a dash of German Three things that scare you: Death of my friends

2004-12-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

Today is the shortest day of the year. That gives me a hard on. "> (<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2004-12-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

FALLING IN LOVE WITH STRANGERS I have a really bad habit of falling in love with strangers. These affairs are brief and ( as far as I know ) one sided. They usually last no longer than the commute to work or the wait on line in Safeway, but they are real and they are bittersweet... and they happen a lot. Enough, in fact, that I have vowed to only fall in love with one stranger a day. Maybe

2004-12-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

PETER CETERA SUCKS MY NOODLE ....... OK, here's the deal. Last night I go to work at Borders and when I got in the door I was swiftly ushered to the office.... now, being paranoid 90% of the time, I'm thinking that I'm getting fired for something. Oh no. Not at all. Seems that Peter Cetera (of Chicago fame) was doing a preformance in store to promote his new Chrismas album. They needed us to

2004-12-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

Thinking about Sarah. My Best Friend. She called me the other day to let me know how much she loves me. She worries about me. It's as if she has a 6th sense as to my moods and needs. The conversation was brief, but she informed me that she's scared that I'm not in a good place. With the Kevin unemployment, working two jobs and having no money..... she is worried that I'm going to do

2004-12-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

YOUR PARTING GIFT IS............... MEXICAN FOOD!!!!!!! Ok, fine! I am bitter. Ok, fine! I am petty. Today all us holiday temps got a mexican lunch! "Sorry, we can't offer you a real job, but how about a taco?" GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! "> (<$BlogItemCommentCount$>) comments

2004-12-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

BUFFY, PADME and ERIC Last night was one of my nights off.... the calm before the storm of double shifts. I decided against going to the Mint, mostly because I am broke, but also because I am getting rather sick of drinking alone and singing Karaoke. The problem that ensues when I decide to stay home is being in close quarters with Kevin. Doesn't matter how hard I try, the mofo just

2004-12-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

SLEEP TO DREAM I had nothing to do with my time off this week... so I slept. Got up around noon and called around to see if anyone wanted to come out and play.... but nobody did so me and Padme went to the park to look for Hank the dog and Tim. We have crushes on them but, alas, they weren't at the park..... The park was muddy as fuck but Padme and I had a ball, sloshing around and getting

2004-12-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

People can be fucking rude! I'm working at a customer service call center.... something I've been doing for quite a few years now after deciding to flee the world of retail managment after Blockbuster almost made me go loopy...... Today I have been yelled at by 3 different people - and I'm trying to help them!!! What is wrong with the world when people think it's acceptable to call into a

2004-12-10T00:27:00.000-08:00

WHERE IS THE WORLD?!?! It's a strange day out there.... I just went outside for a smoke and it's like the Bay Bridge is gone. The fog outside is so thick and low. Normally I am almost right under the bridge when outside the office but today it's like there is nothing there..... which is a little trippy and a lot San Francisco. The fog mirrors my state of mind.... and that is somehow

2004-12-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

"HE'S CONVINCED HE COULD HOLD BACK A GLACIER" Reality.... an evil bitch of a thing. I passed out at work last night. I was standing at the cash reg. and suddenly I was on the floor. It was not fun.... though for some people it might have been funny to see. I don't know..... it's just the stress of working two jobs and knowing that nothing I can do at this point is going to keep us from

2004-12-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

"Crumb By Crumb" - Rufus Wainwright Maybe in you I'll believe Maybe I'll believe in you The future of my understanding of love Many a time I've before Before I've many a time Knocked a stranger's door Discretion hardly I'm known for Probably has nothing to, nothing at all in the world to do with you Just your lower lip on the floor But baby I gotta get through Crumb by crumb in this big

2004-12-07T10:44:00.000-08:00

Today has not been going my way. I was woken up from a really nice dream ( though I can't remember what was nice about it) by Padme standing on me, shaking like a leaf. I guess the storm had knocked something over outside the window and it tripped her out. So, I pull her under the covers with me and think that I am going to drift right back to sleep...... but I don't. I just laid there listening

2004-12-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD... I've been learning a few hard lessons these past few weeks. You can't change other people. You can't resort to threats, ultimatums or even pleas. It won't help get anything done and the more you try the more negative energy you burn. Sometimes you just gotta know when to give up and ride it out. This is how I am feeling about the Kevin situation. He is doing

2004-12-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

Waiting for a firedrill at work..... Supposedly there is going to be a loud alarm and strobe lights..... sounds like a rave! That reminds me of the days I was bold enough to go out in public wearing a Mickey Mouse Club hat...(yeah, the kind with ears). I have been working two jobs all week in an attempt to keep myself, Padme and Kevin from being hungry and homeless..... the phrase "Burning the

2004-11-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

This has been a downer of a week. The job hunt has stalled - I have made no head way this week on that front which is making me anxious... It's not for lack of trying but results have not been as quick as I'd have liked. I keep reminding myself that this is not the end of the world. Nick (aka: Nick-a-licious) took me to magnet yesterday for accupuncture to help with my stress and a Rakkii (sp?)

2004-11-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

Finally back in San Francisco. That was a damn long summer - but one I am grateful to have had. Being sober and healthy is just beyond good. I feel like a human being again. The world is not a distant concept I felt alienated from. Had an amazing first week back. I went to the movies with Nick, went to the Mint and was welcomed back like a rock star..... (except by that damn Thursday

2004-10-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

WANDERLUST This little town I grew up in is starting to remind me of all the reasons I ran. The solitude.... the numb feeling that is there when I wake up.... there when I go to bed. That feeling that I am the only one in the world that has the sinking feeling that all is not as it seems. Am I the only one dreaming this?? The life I led.... the one I took for granted. Seems so close yet so

2004-08-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

STICKY - HUMID It's one twenty a.m. and I can't sleep. My brain is going 100 mph and my body is so uncomfortable I want to climb out of my skin. Friday was my 29th birthday.... the night was fun and all.... then reality came back today...... This summer has been cool, being back in NY and shit.... but I want it to be over now. I want to come home to SF and get on with my life. One thing

2004-08-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

'Aloow True believers!!! Thinking about all the lovely people I am not able to spend my birthday with. At 5:34 am this morning (the 27th) I will be a big boy of 29!! I am going to working all day and spending the evening with my Mom and Dad.... But I will be remembering my past 3 birthday dinners at the Snausage factory with Kevin and Jen and Josh. Babies, I miss and love you!!!!! Today I

2004-08-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

Things keep moving along. Working at Cellular one.... doing customer service work for a cell company, and it's not fun at all. 9 hour shifts that are made up of call after call of angry people. I get yelled at a lot and argue a lot. It drains the soul. Living here ain't all bad.... Went and saw Nickel Creek Last week. That was cool.

2004-08-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

Hey Fuckers and Lovers!!!!! Just like Jesus, somethings are just ment to come back from the dead. Like this Blog. Recent events have made me think long and hard about my decision to put this space to rest and it's just not feeling right anymore. The past can't be changed and it sure as fuck shouldn't be ignored. The past posts chronicle a particularly hard and painful period for me..... lots of

2004-08-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS ERIC DIGGING ON THIS SUMMER?? -The DaVinci Code (book) -Mutual Admiration Society (CD ) -Nip/Tuck (TV) -Driving and belting Rufus Wainwright songs -Spider-man 2 -White Wine -The Gilmore Girls Season One DVD -Hanging with my parents (who'd have known??) -My niece Lilly -Sarah, the best friend I've ever had -Sarah's Snatch Slapper....( a drink.... 1 part Peach Pucker, 1 part Stoli

2004-06-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

Jen and I decided that this blog needs to be put to bed. For an update on Erics Upstate adventure.... see Blog titled repent or die. Don't know the blog address.

2004-05-21T04:14:00.000-07:00

"All around me are familiar faces Worn out places – worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere – going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression – no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow – no tomorrow And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to

2004-05-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

My phone ain't ringing and I have no place to go. Being taken at arms length is better than being taken for a fool. I've bent over backwards, forwards and all around... and I have gotten nothing. Not even fucked. Just games and manipulation. I feel fuckin' spun. There is a jet with a seat that has my name on it.

2004-05-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not an airy track infection.... YOU'RE AN AIRY TRACK INFECTION!!! I have had this issue since I was 8 or 9. I need to remember to drink a cup of good cranberry juice a day. My pee pee is feeling owwie!

2004-05-10T03:34:00.000-07:00

You'll Get Yours Yet..... However Big You Think You Are! There are some things that I can not control. There are forces stronger than myself. There are things I will never understand and there are things I will continue to defy regardless of the results. These are a few truths I can cling to right now. Thats a good thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning in Strawberry Fields.

2004-05-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

Fucking crazy dreams wake me in the middle of the night - can't remember what was going on in them to freak me out so badly. Something that had to do with having Padme on a leash and Josh being behind the wheel of a car. But I don't know if either of those things were what scared me. Both Kevin and I have been drug free for a while. Good news.

2004-05-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... Mom said to stick it out. If thats what I gots ta do, I will. This whole period of my life is just not ending soon enough. I don't want to seperate myself from people but I feel like I bring nothing worthwhile to the table anymore. Some random person I was talking to suggested I spend 20 minutes making eye contact with myself - saying I'd see something there

2004-05-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'm fuckin' done. Actually had to beg for cigarettes tonight. Calling my mother in the A.M. and getting on the first flight out of here. There is a line I didn't think I'd have to cross and that's asking strangers for a smoke. For some reason having sex for money is less degrating to me. And it's not that I haven't tried to find work. But right now.... even if I got a job tomorrow

2004-05-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

notheronedog: Kinda shocked to be chatting with an attractive gay guy who doesn't smirk at my dork side FixxWisdom: Please FixxWisdom: Tell me a superhero's name and I'll give you their real name FixxWisdom: lol notheronedog: Ok - Wonder girl notheronedog: Current FixxWisdom: Donna Troy FixxWisdom: Oh wait FixxWisdom: Cassie SAndsmark notheronedog: Good save! FixxWisdom: *whew* notheronedog:

2004-05-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

Spent the day interacting with strangers. Met a guy outside the coffee shop on 17th and Sanchez and got to talking about video games and comic books. It was pretty painless and kinda nice. Didn't want to come back to the hideout (kevin's) so I dropped in the Badlands because Ian (the classiest beeotch in SF) was tending bar. Got into a conversation with a middle aged guy who is just coming out.

2004-05-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Early morning walk with Padme led to some fun at the park. The way early crowd is kinda stuck up so Padme and I made fun of everyone and their dogs. Spent a good evening with James - funny how sometimes you get what you need without looking for it. He offered me some keen insight and that opened my eyes to stuff I knew but didn't want to cop to. Can't get "Cream" by Prince out of my head.

2004-04-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

The past week was pretty uneventful. Spent a few too many hours fucking the sleep prince. Disovered the joy of bringing a blanket to the park and spending hours playing and napping with Padme. I am really feeling like I am out of gas. Something has to happen, I know this.

2004-04-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

Desperation. Change. Needs. Looking for sex via the internet is a lame way to go about it, but in many ways its like shopping..... I have not gotten anywhere this way though and I'm really in the mood for some sex. How a foxy boy such as myself can't find sex while living in the castro is beyond me. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe that's best. Feeling desperate in so many ways right

2004-04-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to pick something up and look at it from different angles. Beauty becomes ugly, horrible becomes wonderful. Sometimes you hold something in your hand that you never realized would kill you or make you rich.... y'know? Living with Kevin is hellish. The saving grace is that I am once again with Padme (the best dog gone dog ever!). Kevin has no ability to think beyond

2004-04-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

TAXES TAXES!! So as if the world isn't squeezing the life out of me now Uncle Sam wants another 600 bucks. Damn dildo of a country!! I have never owed before so I have to wonder how these Bush inspired tax cuts are helping..... oh I forgot.... they help the rich get richer!! So I am in one of the worst depressions of my life. I feel trapped in a funk that I allowed to grow to an unmanagable

2004-04-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

Long time no posts. I'm not sure how to begin so let me just start of by reassuring anyone who might read this that I am, in fact, not dead yet.... just mildly suicidal and unconcerned with how that makes me look. I am homeless - currently living with Kevin and Padme in their tiny one bedroom apartment. The place is a dump and kevin is a slob.... but it beats living on the streets so I guess I

2004-03-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

I came very close to not going to chorus last night - which would have made 3 weeks in a row. I was tired from all the stress I'm under and wanted to sleep.... but something made me go. Of course, it was worth it. I felt so much better after opening up and singing. Thats my natural high. Mom and I spoke today. She thinks things are going to start to get better for me. She has a feeling.

2004-03-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

There are decisions to be made that can not be put off much longer. No choice will be the right one. I moved to SF 3 years ago and despite the odds I did ok for myself, but now I can't seem to correct the flaws. Friends I would walk through hell for turn a blind eye to my troubles and I realize that I don't rank very high on anyone's list. This has become a lonesome existance - I retreat into

2004-03-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge Guardian angels have left me stranded. It was worth it.... feeling abandoned. Makes one harden..... but..... What is happening to love?" I am lost. Nothing is right. Lost my home and a few thousand bucks in Cheryl's games.... I went to the eviction defence collective yesterday and they told me I had no way of keeping the apartment unless I named myself in

2004-03-09T01:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been a while. My life has not been something I've wanted to write about. The living situation is a mess. We got served with an eviction notice last week. The story is kinda hard to sort out so.... here is what I can gather..... Cheryl didn't pay the rent so that she could use the money for her lawyer. She killed a few people while driving on speed and was on the lam. During that time